Something I have been struggling with recently is that adoption has this way of making you feel completely unworthy of being parents. First, you fill out all of this paperwork that makes you list all of your financial information from what you make each year, to how much debt you have to all of your assests (which we don't have much of). In our case we even had to list out where all of our money goes each month and how much is left over. For a couple that doesn't make very much money, but still enough to live off of, this alone left me feeling like no one would even accept us. Thankfully, our wonderful social worker assured us that it's less about the money and more about the parents you will be and the environment you will provide for a child.
After we got though all of that, we had to create an adoption profile. For the most part I feel really good about our profile, the only thing that we left out that many put in is a picture of us in front of our home. The thing is, we are currently renting which means that we have no control over what the outside of our home looks like. In addition, while the inside of our house is fairly cute, the outside is nothing to brag about and is not something I wanted to put in our profile book. I didn't want to be chosen based on how our home looked from the outside, I want to be chosen because of who we are and how we want to raise our children. Also, we will most likely be moving before we are matched which would mean that the house we are pictured in front of is not even where we live anymore! So, we did not put this picture in our profile book. However, when you know that your profile is being shown alongside other profiles and others are being chosen over you, you begin to question what is wrong with you as a couple. Are we too young, not wealthy enough, is it because we don't own our own home, is it because of our jobs, what is it that makes them "better" than us? I know that we would make amazing parents and that you don't have to have a fancy house to do that. But the reality is that we can't tell these expectant parents how amazing we are and how much we would love their child. They only way they can get to know us is through out little profile book and they usually have in their heads what they are looking for in parents for their child. No, we can't provide the material things at this point that some couples can, but in my mind that doesn't replace the fact that I chose to become a massage therapist so that I can make my own hours and be at home with our children as often as possible until they are in school. It also doesn't mean that we won't be able to provide more at some point, but we may also choose not to give our children certain things because of how we want to raise them. So we wait and wonder if we will ever be chosen.
Now, I am on to filling out more grant applications and once again, I feel like I have to compete to receive a grant. Are they looking for the best sob story or are they looking at genuine need? Sometimes I even have to go back to our finances and list those to provide that we have financial need and I'm still left wondering if they will view us as worthy. I never wanted to have to feel like becoming a parent was a competition, but this process makes me feel that way more and more even though I know we are in this for the right reasons. Please just pray for us as we press on, wait, pray and try not to let ourselves get too discouraged. Thank you all again for your love, support and prayers!