Birthday struggles

I've been trying to keep my posts less "woe is me" and either more factual or at least a little more hopeful. However, today is just not one of those days. On Friday I turned 25 and it was kind of hard. I know, that's not "old", but please don't tell me that I'm "still young". I have heard those words so many time from many well intentioned people. I know that those words are meant to be encouraging, but what I hear is that my desire is not valid and that it shouldn't hurt so much because I'm young. The reality is this, I have been aching for this for four years and my pain is just as strong as any other woman, and while I may have more time, I still see myself as one year older. One year less of "having time". Another year has passed, the most difficult year to date, and I have yet to be a mother. At the same time I feel very selfish for feeling this way because on Friday, multiple lives were lost that will never be able to be 25 and I should be celebrating the fact that I have lived 25 years and that this has been the biggest struggle in my life. I want to have hope for this next year and I want to enter this next year with joy for the things that I do have and the blessings in my life.

This morning as I was dealing with this I turned to Hannah's prayer from the book of 1 Samuel. Hannah also ached for a baby but "the Lord had closed her womb" (1 Samuel 1:5). Hannah's thoughts centered on the fact that she was childless and she was bitter, which I can completely identify with. God had a plan for Hannah and her future son, and it took her turning to desperation and vowing to give her child over to God before God granted her request. Hannah was only able to keep her son for herself for a few years before handing him over to Eli the priest and only seeing him once a year after that. However, in return God granted her 5 more children. The devotion I was reading regarding this story said "There are Hannah's in the world today and there are purposes of God yet unfulfilled. Maybe he has "closed the womb" for a purpose. Maybe he is looking for desperate ones." This struck me in a new way. I'm not saying that God has "closed my womb", but I have felt for a long time that God is using our infertility to accomplish something greater than us and I do feel that "that something" is adoption. I don't think that God is asking us to hand over our child to a priest and vow not to shave his/her head (some might question our parenting if we did), but he may be asking us to do something that we wouldn't necessarily do if we weren't "desperate". Maybe that something is doing foster care and risking giving that child up after only a few months or years. Maybe it's adopting an older child rather than a newborn. We haven't previously been open to these ideas, but I find myself considering them more and more as I question how the pieces of the puzzle are possibly going to come together to adopt a newborn. Please continue to pray for us as we discern God's plan for our future. That we won't act out of desperation in haste, but that God will use our desperation to lead down the path He has laid before us.

Fear

I let fear control too much of my life. I fear the idea of not ever being a mother, not having enough money, not knowing what the future holds. But I'm aware of this and I'm praying to be released from this fear. One of the best pieces of advice that I read lately is this: don't TRY to raise the money. Let God lead you on what to try and go for. That way he gets the glory and we don't. Please pray for me as I work through this fear and do my best to hand our future over to God. This is a short post, but I felt like I needed to come, write and ask for prayer. Thank you for your love and support.

Fundraising

Despite how it might seem at times, I don't particularly like fundraising. I don't like asking people to donate money to our cause, once again. Maybe it's a pride thing, but I think that most people feel this way. Asking for money is hard because it makes us feel selfish and vulnerable. It requires faith and trust in others and God. We've all been asked to buy this or that that we really don't want or need, but we do so because of the person who's asking us. We don't want to be those people, so we're looking to you for suggestions.

Adoption is one of those things that many people fundraise for (if you don't believe me, google it) due to the high cost of welcoming a child in need into your home and life. And in our case we can't adopt without fundraising and putting ourselves out there. So far, we have had some very generous donations that have enabled us to begin the process and for those we are beyond thankful, but they have been few. I know that some of you can't donate and we completely understand because we have been there and continue to find ourselves there at times. I also know that some of you may be waiting until we have a baby on the way, but once we are matched (meaning an expectant mother or set of parents has chosen us to parent her/their child once he/she is born) we will need a significant amount of money immediately. This would not necessarily be the case if we were not working with an agency, but since we are doing some work with them, we would need that money quickly. We were recently informed that we did not receive one of the grants that we applied for and we can't get a loan for the amount that we would need at this point. So we are looking to you for ideas.

What kind of fundraisers would you be interested in? Do you prefer dinners, yard sales, online auctions or things that you can purchase and use like jewelry or other items? We would like to do a pancake breakfast, but since we aren't able to regularly attend church at our home churches and haven't really found a solid church family here yet, we aren't sure where we would host this event. So if you have a suggestion we are open to hearing it!

Please remember, we are not doing this for us or only to become parents. We are adopting because we feel as though this is a calling that God has placed on our lives and hearts and a way for us to "love the orphan". That being said, when you donate you are not donating to us, you are donating to provide a child with a loving home. The fact that we get to become parents from this process is a huge bonus :).