Next week my sweet baby boys will go to school for the first time. They are 4 and will attend our public school district's half day pre-k program. My one son, Lucas, is so very ready. He is incredibly social and is looking forward to making friends.
He is what one often thinks of when they think of boys. He loves to climb and jump off of things (even though he is afraid of heights). He loves trucks and construction equipment and Star Wars. We have however tried to not feed into too many gender stereotypes while raising our kids. We haven't been perfect and our home is mostly filled with toys that would traditionally be thought of for boys but we also have things like a toy kitchen, a teapot set, dolls and a Peppa pig dollhouse that our other son absolutely adores.
I can't say that it's because of this, but we are cautious not to tell our boys that certain toys and certain colors are for girls, so when asked what his favorite color is, Lucas might tell you "all the colors of the rainbow". He has pink and purple leopard print slippers that he picked out once and that he loves because they are "beautiful". He also has a couple of shirts with glitter or sequins that he found on a clearance rack after the 4th of July and that he loved because they were shiny. So it didn't surprise me when I stumbled across some backpacks online and he told me that he wanted the one with the butterfly. It was pink and purple and clearly made with girls in mind. It was also far too small to take to school and he already has a small backpack, but had I been in the market for buying one, I would have absolutely purchased him that backpack because pink is just a color and butterflies are beautiful.
My fear as Lucas heads off to pre-k is that he will express his love for all the colors and things that are beautiful and that it won't be long before another child will tell him that those things are for girls because that is what that child has been taught. Lucas is a child who has a strong will and personality but is also sweet, sensitive and easily influenced by others. I so desperately want to keep my children innocent for as long as possible. To spare them the judgment of others and the boxes that we are all too often placed into. Kids are so authentically themselves at 4 and I so want to preserve that in them so that they will grow into authentic adults, but we all know that kids are shaped by their peers, for better and for worse, and that we all raise our children differently, much in part based on how we ourselves were raised.
I know I can't shelter him from the boxes that society has built and that tell him what things are for boys and what things are for girls, but I do hope that I can continually remind him that it's okay to be who he is. That is it's okay to like all of the colors, it's okay to have emotions and express them. It's okay to cry and that he doesn't have to be "tough" because he's a boy. That it is okay to be authentically himself, a lesson I'm still trying to learn as an adult.
Saturday, September 1, 2018
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Why I Don't Share About My Childrens' Stories
If you have followed me long either here or on Facebook, you know that I'm not shy about sharing details about our family. I've shared many details about infertility, adoption, Cystic Fibrosis, Down syndrome and my husband Elias' double lung transplant journey. Sharing tends to be therapeutic for me. It makes me feel like I'm educating others and raising awareness, hopefully resulting in more people being more understanding and sensitive to a variety of situations.
You may have noticed however that there is a topic that I don't share about and that is why my children were placed for adoption.
I learned early on from an open adoption Facebook group that I am part of that, as adoptive parents, our childrens' adoption stories are not ours to share. It's easy to forget when they are babies that our children will one day grow into older children, teenagers and adults that may not want their story shared with all that know them as well as those who don't, but were friends with their mom on Facebook.
I get asked somewhat frequently why my twins' birthmother "gave them up" (sidenote: we used the word "placed" instead of "gave up" because she made a plan for adoption, chose us to be the adoptive parents and then lovingly and physically placed those babies into our arms and family). Some adoptive parents strongly feel that this is none of anyone else's business and will say so. I do however understand why one would wonder why a person would place their child(ren) for adoption.
If you aren't part of the adoption world, you wouldn't be familiar with all of the various reasons that women and couples choose adoption for their child and for many it's really hard to fathom being in a position where one has to make that decision. I am usually met with assumptions that she couldn't handle two babies, or that being raised in our family was somehow significantly better than what their life would have been like with her. I'm sure some wonder if it was because of Asher having Down syndrome. We've even been told that they are so lucky to have us, when in fact, they would have had a wonderful life full of love and care had they never been placed for adoption, their life would have just been different just as my life is different than yours.
I usually respond to questions about their placement by saying that their birth mom wanted to "give them more". Those are her words, not mine, but they fit nicely. It often feels vague and leads to assumptions, but I struggle with telling people it's just not any of your business so I usually follow up with trying to explain that it isn't my story to tell. It's her story and it's their story, but it's not mine and they can decide if and when they share that story as they get older. Heck, they don't even know all of the details of their own story yet to have a say in it.
So, for now, I don't share. It may feel vague and ambiguous. I promise it's not to make you ask more questions or wonder more, it's just to give them the opportunity to share their own story when/if they are ready.
You may have noticed however that there is a topic that I don't share about and that is why my children were placed for adoption.
I learned early on from an open adoption Facebook group that I am part of that, as adoptive parents, our childrens' adoption stories are not ours to share. It's easy to forget when they are babies that our children will one day grow into older children, teenagers and adults that may not want their story shared with all that know them as well as those who don't, but were friends with their mom on Facebook.
I get asked somewhat frequently why my twins' birthmother "gave them up" (sidenote: we used the word "placed" instead of "gave up" because she made a plan for adoption, chose us to be the adoptive parents and then lovingly and physically placed those babies into our arms and family). Some adoptive parents strongly feel that this is none of anyone else's business and will say so. I do however understand why one would wonder why a person would place their child(ren) for adoption.
If you aren't part of the adoption world, you wouldn't be familiar with all of the various reasons that women and couples choose adoption for their child and for many it's really hard to fathom being in a position where one has to make that decision. I am usually met with assumptions that she couldn't handle two babies, or that being raised in our family was somehow significantly better than what their life would have been like with her. I'm sure some wonder if it was because of Asher having Down syndrome. We've even been told that they are so lucky to have us, when in fact, they would have had a wonderful life full of love and care had they never been placed for adoption, their life would have just been different just as my life is different than yours.
I usually respond to questions about their placement by saying that their birth mom wanted to "give them more". Those are her words, not mine, but they fit nicely. It often feels vague and leads to assumptions, but I struggle with telling people it's just not any of your business so I usually follow up with trying to explain that it isn't my story to tell. It's her story and it's their story, but it's not mine and they can decide if and when they share that story as they get older. Heck, they don't even know all of the details of their own story yet to have a say in it.
So, for now, I don't share. It may feel vague and ambiguous. I promise it's not to make you ask more questions or wonder more, it's just to give them the opportunity to share their own story when/if they are ready.
Friday, March 9, 2018
I'm Glad I Didn't Know
I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Sometimes being part of the CF community is hard. When Elias and I were dating and when we first got married, we didn't really know anyone else with CF. Facebook groups weren't a thing as far as I know, at least they weren't popular if they existed at all and honestly his health was not in a place where either of us felt like we needed that kind of support.
The longer we were married, the more various things came up that others didn't quite understand. I wanted to connect with CF wives that were on the same infertility journey we were on. Then as his illness progress, I wanted to talk about what we were going through and ask questions to those who had been there or at least understood where we were coming from.
Thankfully, I found another CF wife through a CF FB group and I have since connected with several groups for spouses of CF patients or lung transplant patients. In these groups we have some light hearted conversations, but we also talk about some really tough things.
Things I'm glad I didn't know were in my future when we were dating, engaged or newly married.
Maybe that sounds selfish or naive and more than likely I would have just thought that that would never happen to us because we were both convinced that he would have his original lungs until he was in his 60's or 70's because that is what he was told growing up. Now however, I see things through different eyes. I see couples who are young and engaged and just starting out on this CF journey together. Many of them with spouses who are still quite healthy and hopefully will be for a long time, especially with some new promising drugs that have come out. I see these couples I think that I am so glad that I didn't know what was ahead and that I didn't always have that in the back of my mind or hanging over my head.
Had I known what I know now, there are definitely things we would have done differently that may have preserved his health longer, however I would have also lived with far more fear and uncertainty. Today I read stories of lung transplant recipients that are well over 20 years out from transplant and doing great which gives me great hope. Then I read stories of those who never even make it to 5 years and my mind begins to wonder where Elias will fall on that spectrum. I think of when I finish my first step in school in 2 years and what we can do after that, but then in the same thought I wonder where his health will be.
We are not supposed to live in fear and for the most part, I don't anymore. I can't however turn of the part of my brain that knows how quickly things can change.
Facebook groups are amazing for support and I have built some incredible relationships with women in these groups. I am so thankful they exist, but they are also a double edged sword and sometimes they can take away our ability to live a life of naivety and blind hope/faith, appreciating the present and not worrying so much about the future.
I'm glad I have them, but I'm also glad I didn't know.
The longer we were married, the more various things came up that others didn't quite understand. I wanted to connect with CF wives that were on the same infertility journey we were on. Then as his illness progress, I wanted to talk about what we were going through and ask questions to those who had been there or at least understood where we were coming from.
Thankfully, I found another CF wife through a CF FB group and I have since connected with several groups for spouses of CF patients or lung transplant patients. In these groups we have some light hearted conversations, but we also talk about some really tough things.
Things I'm glad I didn't know were in my future when we were dating, engaged or newly married.
Maybe that sounds selfish or naive and more than likely I would have just thought that that would never happen to us because we were both convinced that he would have his original lungs until he was in his 60's or 70's because that is what he was told growing up. Now however, I see things through different eyes. I see couples who are young and engaged and just starting out on this CF journey together. Many of them with spouses who are still quite healthy and hopefully will be for a long time, especially with some new promising drugs that have come out. I see these couples I think that I am so glad that I didn't know what was ahead and that I didn't always have that in the back of my mind or hanging over my head.
Had I known what I know now, there are definitely things we would have done differently that may have preserved his health longer, however I would have also lived with far more fear and uncertainty. Today I read stories of lung transplant recipients that are well over 20 years out from transplant and doing great which gives me great hope. Then I read stories of those who never even make it to 5 years and my mind begins to wonder where Elias will fall on that spectrum. I think of when I finish my first step in school in 2 years and what we can do after that, but then in the same thought I wonder where his health will be.
We are not supposed to live in fear and for the most part, I don't anymore. I can't however turn of the part of my brain that knows how quickly things can change.
Facebook groups are amazing for support and I have built some incredible relationships with women in these groups. I am so thankful they exist, but they are also a double edged sword and sometimes they can take away our ability to live a life of naivety and blind hope/faith, appreciating the present and not worrying so much about the future.
I'm glad I have them, but I'm also glad I didn't know.
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