If you have followed me long either here or on Facebook, you know that I'm not shy about sharing details about our family. I've shared many details about infertility, adoption, Cystic Fibrosis, Down syndrome and my husband Elias' double lung transplant journey. Sharing tends to be therapeutic for me. It makes me feel like I'm educating others and raising awareness, hopefully resulting in more people being more understanding and sensitive to a variety of situations.
You may have noticed however that there is a topic that I don't share about and that is why my children were placed for adoption.
I learned early on from an open adoption Facebook group that I am part of that, as adoptive parents, our childrens' adoption stories are not ours to share. It's easy to forget when they are babies that our children will one day grow into older children, teenagers and adults that may not want their story shared with all that know them as well as those who don't, but were friends with their mom on Facebook.
I get asked somewhat frequently why my twins' birthmother "gave them up" (sidenote: we used the word "placed" instead of "gave up" because she made a plan for adoption, chose us to be the adoptive parents and then lovingly and physically placed those babies into our arms and family). Some adoptive parents strongly feel that this is none of anyone else's business and will say so. I do however understand why one would wonder why a person would place their child(ren) for adoption.
If you aren't part of the adoption world, you wouldn't be familiar with all of the various reasons that women and couples choose adoption for their child and for many it's really hard to fathom being in a position where one has to make that decision. I am usually met with assumptions that she couldn't handle two babies, or that being raised in our family was somehow significantly better than what their life would have been like with her. I'm sure some wonder if it was because of Asher having Down syndrome. We've even been told that they are so lucky to have us, when in fact, they would have had a wonderful life full of love and care had they never been placed for adoption, their life would have just been different just as my life is different than yours.
I usually respond to questions about their placement by saying that their birth mom wanted to "give them more". Those are her words, not mine, but they fit nicely. It often feels vague and leads to assumptions, but I struggle with telling people it's just not any of your business so I usually follow up with trying to explain that it isn't my story to tell. It's her story and it's their story, but it's not mine and they can decide if and when they share that story as they get older. Heck, they don't even know all of the details of their own story yet to have a say in it.
So, for now, I don't share. It may feel vague and ambiguous. I promise it's not to make you ask more questions or wonder more, it's just to give them the opportunity to share their own story when/if they are ready.
