Sunday, February 1, 2015

Adoption doesn't cure infertility

"Adoption doesn't cure infertility". I read this words often when we were waiting to adopt. I felt like I understood them and oftentimes my thought was "but it sure makes it more bearable." Adoption professionals feel like this is an important concept to understand before moving on to adoption so that adoptive parents fully understand that adopting a child is not a cure for their infertility. Infertility will still be a part of them, but the hope is that they have come to a place where they have grieved and moved forward so that they can give an adopted child all that they need.

When the boys were first born, our infertility did indeed feel cured in many ways. Everything was new and exciting. We were finally parents to not one, but TWO babies! I didn't grieve that I didn't carry them,  and I still don't. We were exhausted and content and I had no desire in that moment to be pregnant. As the boys have gotten older though, those familiar feelings have started to creep back in and I am reminded that while they are amazing and ours in every way, they did not and can not take away our infertility and that is NOT their role in our lives.

When you adopt after infertility, there is oftentimes this big question mark that hangs over your head. Everyone likes to share the stories of "so and so" who got pregnant after adopting and even though it's frustrating to hear, there is always that smidgen of hope and that internal question of "will that happen to us?". We also have 3 embryos left. If they fail, will we feel compelled to try again or can we walk away and accept that pregnancy and biological children aren't in our future? These are big questions to have to ask yourself when you are at an age that some others haven't even started having children yet and most are at least not done.

Or will we choose to adopt again? Maybe an older child through international adoption or the foster care system. Maybe we will become foster parents and open or hearts and home to children in need of a safe place to stay, even if it's temporary.

Some have assumed that since we were blessed with twins, that we are done. Maybe we are and if we are, I have decided that I have to be happy with what I have because it is far more than I could have ever asked for. But I don't feel "done" when my heart breaks every time I pack up baby things that the boys have outgrown or don't use anymore. I don't feel "done" when I have just discovered the amazing world of wrapping my babies in a woven wrap and I long for the months when I could have worn both of them at the same time as teeny tiny babies and maybe the chance to have the opportunity all over again with another baby.

No, adoption does not cure infertility and yes, it does make it so much more bearable, but it is beautiful and unique in it's own way and it can never entirely fill the void that infertility leaves in one's life, nor should it be expected to. Infertility will always be there, just under the surface, waiting to rear it's ugly head. But this time, I will not let it control me, instead I will choose to be happy. I will grieve when I need to grieve and then I will turn back to my boys and rejoice in the gift we have been given.