Heartache

9-The number of embryos that we started with back in December.
3-The number of embryos we have left today
3-The number of failed transfers that we have had to date.
9-The number of months we have been traveling back and forth to the fertility clinic in hopes of conceiving a child.

Since the adoption process is moving so slowly, we figured we would try another frozen embryo transfer since we don't have to pay for the transfer itself as long as we it before December (this does not include bloodwork and ultrasounds). After some discouragement of finding out that our new insurance didn't cover anything fertility related (and some rather large bills of procedures performed before knowing this detail), we went through with the transfer. We stepped out in faith and said "this is it!". We are getting pregnant this time, this one will finally work. Well, we were wrong. Once again we are crushed, confused and hurting. The answer for us is to schedule a follow-up consult with the doctor, which I think we should have had long before now and should not have had to request ourselves. Unfortunately we won't be able to even speak with the doctor until July 30th. This is over a month away! I'm sorry, but I'm not real impressed. I want answers now. Obviously something needs to change and obviously something more is going on and they can't give us answers as to what.

For so long we thought that male factor infertility was our only issue. I took my fertility for granted and just assumed that my body would be baby friendly. This has been a hard reality for me to face and now I'm wondering if my body is actually attacking the embryos and now allowing me to get pregnant. This would not be good news as this is not an easy fix, and if you find a doctor that is willing to work with you on this it would not be an option financially for us.

In our situation there are two sides to the spectrum. There are the couples that choose to not even try IVF  as they don't feel it is right for them and they turn their energy to adoption. Then you have other couples that have 8-9 failed IVF's and a number of frozen embryo transfers in hopes of 1 or 2 successful cycles. Then you have us, we wanted to try IVF, but we also want to pursue adoption in hopes of becoming parents some how, some way, as soon as possible, while also providing children a home who are in need. I always pictured have both biological children and adopted children, but that may not be how God has pictured our family. We are still actively pursuing adoption, but there is only so much we can do at once and until we have the finances to move forward we are at a stand still. So we will be beginning another fundraiser to try and raise more money. We will be purchasing a puzzle and you can "sponsor" pieces of the puzzle by donating $10/ piece. Your name will then be written on the back of the piece and the puzzle will be displayed in a double sided glass case for all to see who helped us bring our child home. Please let us know if you are interested and please pray for us as we once again grieve, seek and move forward.

A post about life

This post has nothing to do with adoption or infertility. Just life in general.

On hot days like today I am taken somewhere else. I am taken to a room in a developing country, surrounded by the spanish language and beautiful Bolivian babies. I am taken to a Gambian compound where I am sitting on a little wooden stool under a tree, teaching the Bible to youth. I feel an ache in my heart for these places and I am reminded that my heart is no longer wholly in the United States. Rather, I have left a piece of my heart in La Sala Cuna where I sat with those babies every day. I have left a piece of my heart in dusty Gambian villages with families that have persevered even in the difficult times.

My heart is scarred.

The beautiful thing about this though is that my heart is not missing the chunks that I have left in other countries, rather, pieces of my heart were patched with pieces of my experience in that country. In Bolivia, the pain was immediate and searing as I left part of my heart there and received a patch that would throb for the next year as the pain gradually decreased, leaving me with only a familiar ache. As for Gambia, there were many times that I didn't think I would notice the part of my heart that I have left there at all. But over time as that patch became a part of me I have found myself missing Gambia and aching for our life there. It wasn't the throb of Bolivia, but it is more recent and the ache now stronger than that of the country I first fell in love with.

Despite the aching and longing that I feel in my heart I am reminded of how enormously blessed I am. I have seen beautiful things and heart wrenching things. I have loved deeply and then dealt with the pain that leaving brings when you allow yourself to love. I have been transformed into a different person that reminds me of a joyful young woman that I want to return to while also reminding me of the person that I once was and that I never want to become again. This transformation hasn't been easy and there have been times where I pushed away the people in my life that I love, simply because I didn't know how to bring the new me and my old life together. Each time I come back from another culture it feels as though I have learn how to socialize all over again. But once again I am reminded that I am blessed and that I will never be fully American again.

Yes, I hope to visit these places again, maybe even serve in one of them again, but for today I will simply remember. Maybe even shed a tear now and then, but I will praise God for the time that I had and the memories that were made.

I just wanted to write a quick update letting all of you know where we are at right now. I wrote previously saying that we wanted to try and begin our homestudy in May so that we would be closer to being ready to receive a child if/when that situation came up. Unfortunately we weren't able to make that happen. We don't have the finances raised/saved to pay for a homestudy at this point. I just have to believe that God has called us to at least begin the adoption process now so that we will be ready for our child when He brings him/her to us. While faith and trust have been a regular struggle for me recently in this process, I have to trust that God has put the desire to be parents in our hearts for a reason. It's too easy to feel hopeless, and if I'm honest with myself and all of you, there are days where I have succumbed to that hopelessness. But I know that God has a plan in all of this and that children are in our future. Please continue to pray for us and support us in any way that you feel called. If you are called to pray for us then please pray hard! If you feel called to support us financially then please consider doing so. No matter how you support us, we thank you. We can't do this on our own and that just continues to be revealed to us more and more.  We thank you for the blessings that you are in our lives.