I am the type of person that can suck the life out of anything I do. I sort of become obsessive in my research. I feel like I have to direct this energy somewhere so that I'm not dwelling as much on the pain of not being parents yet. I think in some ways I've been searching for hope via the internet. I truly thought that we were making the right decision by putting down the fertility treatments for the time being and saying "let's pursue adoption!" I apparently was under some sort of disillusionment when I thought that since we were finally stepping out in faith and following God's path for us that the funds would just swarm in and it would all be quick and easy. I think that I was hoping that someone would know someone who was looking to place their baby for adoption and boom, we would have a birth mom! Boy was I wrong. The more I research agencies and options the more confused and overwhelmed I become. I find a program that I like to just become discouraged by the process taking 18-24 months. Or I find a program that takes a year or less to become discouraged by the fact that it costs $20,000-$30,000 and we then have to add on the time that it will take to raise/save those funds before we can truly begin.
In addition to all of this, I continually feel as though we are called to international adoption. I don't have a reason for this, as I know there are many children in the United States who need good homes too, I just feel in my heart that this is the road God has set before us. Our situation is so different from most other couples who are adopting after struggles with infertility. We still have embryos that we have to use, so we still have a chance to have a biological child. I have to admit, this is how I always pictured our family, a nice blend of biological and adopted children. So I feel like I am left with the question of whether we try again for a bio child and spend more time raising money for international adoption or do we choose an international program and increase our efforts at raising funds. I think in many ways we are just so desperate to become parents that we want to go with the route that will accomplish that the fastest. However, at the same time I really want to follow God and I am trying to remember that "God never arrives late", no matter how hard we try to make this happen more quickly. There is also the reality that we can use the rest of our embryos and not get pregnant and then find ourselves still having to wait for everything to pan out for adoption.
Please pray that for us. That God will make His path for us clear and lead us in the right direction. That we will know without a shadow of a doubt where to go from here. That He will give us peace in this time of waiting and help us to use this time to continue to grow in our love for each other and prepare us to be better parents than we would have been 3 years ago.