Since becoming a mom, here are some things I have learned:
1. I never knew how much a mom truly loves her child and how much my mom truly loves me. I could not have imagined the depth of the love that I feel for my boys.
2. That that intense love is only a fraction of how much God in turn loves me. If I had truly understood this while going through infertility, I still would have hurt, but maybe my perspective would have been different.
3. Love is not dependent on genetics. For every person who has said "I couldn't do that" when referring to adoption, let me reassure you, the love I feel for my children is no different than what you feel for yours.
4. Even despite this incredible love, there are still hard days and hard moments. Every child has moments that make their parents want to pull there hair out, yet our love for them doesn't change.
5. Just like more than one mom can love a child, a child can love more than one mom. Open adoption has it's complexities, but loving more than one mom doesn't have to be as complicated as we as adults make it.
6. There are days that I have thought how "easy" it would be to have only one child, but that's not really true. If Asher was my only child, I would probably think that parenthood was easier than people make it sound. If Lucas was my only child, I would still think that it's as hard as people make it out to be. Each child is unique with their own personalities. Asher is laid back and fairly easy going most of the time, Lucas is strong willed a bit more needy. They are both adorable and happy most of the time, both have unique, sweet personalities and they both have traits that can try my patience. What I find difficult in one child, might turn out to be their greatest strength.
7. I feel as though God created me to a mother. In many ways, I feel as though it completes me. That being said, I need to learn how to be completely content in God, outside of that role as I really don't need anything other than Him to be complete.
8. I would love to have more children, but I don't HAVE to have more children. I can be happy and our family can be complete as it is. Infertility is still a part of me, but it no longer consumes and controls me, it no longer defines me.
9. Being a parent is an honor and a privilege, and I will never take that for granted.
10. I am blessed.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Monday, July 6, 2015
Where we are today
So much has changed over the past year and I feel like it is time to update all of you on where our lives have taken us.
In the past year I finished working as an office assistant and began working as a personal care aide for an elderly woman in addition to my massage practice. The hours are a much better fit for our family and allow me to be home during the day to take the boys to checkups, Asher's extra appointments with specialists as well as be home for all of Asher's therapies which we now do 4 times a week in our home. I am also now a trained massage doula (pregnancy, birth and labor support person), which is something I'm very excited about.
Elias graduated in the spring with his degree as a Computer Network Technician and began working for the NY Air Break in Watertown as a paid intern for 6 months. He is really enjoying his work and we are hoping and praying that it turns into a full time position at the end of the year!
Asher and Lucas are super busy and super cute! We are no longer parents to two babies, but now we have two toddlers on our hands!
Lucas never stops moving. He walks and runs like he's been doing it forever. He has become a little more snuggly again which is nice since he wanted nothing to do with sitting and snuggling for awhile. He is signing and starting to say more and more words, claps for himself if he does something he is proud of and is very smart. He is still dramatic yet very charming and loves to give me kisses and bring toys to Asher when he is not pushing him over.
Asher still has his same sweet demeanor, but he is beginning to learn that he can be assertive and demanding when he wants to to communicate his needs. He crawls all over the house, really enjoying playing in the dog water and trying to eat the dog food. Sometimes he chases Lucas around and other times he just does his own thing. He eats everything (including sand and coupons) and is trying so hard to pull himself up. If an object, or person, is just he right height he can do it, which makes him very proud. He loves to smile and giggle as well as steal Lucas' wubbanub and pull his hair.
Both of the boys love pushing cars around and they are starting to actually play together more and more which is really fun to see. Lucas loves pools and water, no matter how deep or much he is shivering whereas Asher loves bath tubs and kiddy pools that are warm and that he can crawl around in. Right now we are taking parent and tot swimming lessons and having a blast doing it!
Scrumpy has done surprisingly well and has mellowed out over the past year when it comes to tolerating the boys. He didn't love it when Lucas started crawling, but now the boys crawl on him and pet him and he just gets up and leaves if he doesn't like it. We are really proud and really thankful for how well he has done since he traditionally has not liked children.
Going out to eat is a new challenge that we don't tackle very ofter as Lucas is very picky and very active and Asher isn't a fan of missing out on the action either. Traveling in the car for long distances is also tough for the same reasons as above. We are always tired and always busy, but we are so in love and wouldn't have it any other way. Twins are definitely a lot of work, but they are so much fun. I love that they always have a playmate and another child around. I also love when I get home and they squeal and come over to me, then I sit down on the floor and they climb all over me, fighting for attention (Scrumpy included). Our life is chaotic, but it's a perfect kind of chaos.
In the past year I finished working as an office assistant and began working as a personal care aide for an elderly woman in addition to my massage practice. The hours are a much better fit for our family and allow me to be home during the day to take the boys to checkups, Asher's extra appointments with specialists as well as be home for all of Asher's therapies which we now do 4 times a week in our home. I am also now a trained massage doula (pregnancy, birth and labor support person), which is something I'm very excited about.
Elias graduated in the spring with his degree as a Computer Network Technician and began working for the NY Air Break in Watertown as a paid intern for 6 months. He is really enjoying his work and we are hoping and praying that it turns into a full time position at the end of the year!
Asher and Lucas are super busy and super cute! We are no longer parents to two babies, but now we have two toddlers on our hands!
Lucas never stops moving. He walks and runs like he's been doing it forever. He has become a little more snuggly again which is nice since he wanted nothing to do with sitting and snuggling for awhile. He is signing and starting to say more and more words, claps for himself if he does something he is proud of and is very smart. He is still dramatic yet very charming and loves to give me kisses and bring toys to Asher when he is not pushing him over.
Asher still has his same sweet demeanor, but he is beginning to learn that he can be assertive and demanding when he wants to to communicate his needs. He crawls all over the house, really enjoying playing in the dog water and trying to eat the dog food. Sometimes he chases Lucas around and other times he just does his own thing. He eats everything (including sand and coupons) and is trying so hard to pull himself up. If an object, or person, is just he right height he can do it, which makes him very proud. He loves to smile and giggle as well as steal Lucas' wubbanub and pull his hair.
Both of the boys love pushing cars around and they are starting to actually play together more and more which is really fun to see. Lucas loves pools and water, no matter how deep or much he is shivering whereas Asher loves bath tubs and kiddy pools that are warm and that he can crawl around in. Right now we are taking parent and tot swimming lessons and having a blast doing it!
Scrumpy has done surprisingly well and has mellowed out over the past year when it comes to tolerating the boys. He didn't love it when Lucas started crawling, but now the boys crawl on him and pet him and he just gets up and leaves if he doesn't like it. We are really proud and really thankful for how well he has done since he traditionally has not liked children.
Going out to eat is a new challenge that we don't tackle very ofter as Lucas is very picky and very active and Asher isn't a fan of missing out on the action either. Traveling in the car for long distances is also tough for the same reasons as above. We are always tired and always busy, but we are so in love and wouldn't have it any other way. Twins are definitely a lot of work, but they are so much fun. I love that they always have a playmate and another child around. I also love when I get home and they squeal and come over to me, then I sit down on the floor and they climb all over me, fighting for attention (Scrumpy included). Our life is chaotic, but it's a perfect kind of chaos.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Please don't tell my children they are "lucky"
All too often, I am told how "lucky" my children are to have us. While this is often well intentioned and comes from a place of not understanding all of the reasons that women place children for adoption, it can be so detrimental to children. Adoption is beautiful, but it can also be confusing and messy. At some point, my boys will have to begin processing adoption, why they were placed for adoption, how they feel about that and likely grieve over not living with their birth family. Any time a child has to process complex emotions, they shouldn't be considered "lucky". We wouldn't say that to a child that has to process a parent's divorce or death would we?
To tell a child that they are "lucky" to have been adopted implies that they wouldn't have been "lucky" to live with their birth family and that they would have somehow had a terrible life or at least a worse life than they are currently living. Some adoptive parents even cringe when their children are told that they were "meant to be" in their adoptive family, especially when it is accompanied by "God meant for you to be in that family". That for some reason, God chose to bring them into this world in one family, just to place them in another family and then deal with the emotions surrounding that. That's about as comforting as "everything happens for a reason" when you are in the midst of suffering. My thoughts on that are: I do feel that our boys are meant to be in our family, but that only happened AFTER an adoption plan was already made. Once Katy chose to place them for adoption, then God chose us to parent them and make them a part of our family. If she has chosen to parent, they would have been meant to stay in that family.
I have even had one person ask me, "what would have happened to those boys if it weren't for you". To me this implies that we were saving them from something (which I think she believed we were), but we weren't. Instead I replied back that Katy would have parented them and she would have been an amazing mother to them because she is an amazing mother to their siblings.
No matter what reason a child was placed for adoption, they shouldn't be considered "lucky". Adoption comes with grief, heartache and confusion even in the best of situations. In the more difficult situations, children have experienced things that no child should have experience that placed them in the situation to be adopted. I am blessed to have my boys and some would say they are blessed to have us. But just because we might be blessed to have each other, doesn't necessarily mean that they would have been less blessed without us.
To tell a child that they are "lucky" to have been adopted implies that they wouldn't have been "lucky" to live with their birth family and that they would have somehow had a terrible life or at least a worse life than they are currently living. Some adoptive parents even cringe when their children are told that they were "meant to be" in their adoptive family, especially when it is accompanied by "God meant for you to be in that family". That for some reason, God chose to bring them into this world in one family, just to place them in another family and then deal with the emotions surrounding that. That's about as comforting as "everything happens for a reason" when you are in the midst of suffering. My thoughts on that are: I do feel that our boys are meant to be in our family, but that only happened AFTER an adoption plan was already made. Once Katy chose to place them for adoption, then God chose us to parent them and make them a part of our family. If she has chosen to parent, they would have been meant to stay in that family.
I have even had one person ask me, "what would have happened to those boys if it weren't for you". To me this implies that we were saving them from something (which I think she believed we were), but we weren't. Instead I replied back that Katy would have parented them and she would have been an amazing mother to them because she is an amazing mother to their siblings.
No matter what reason a child was placed for adoption, they shouldn't be considered "lucky". Adoption comes with grief, heartache and confusion even in the best of situations. In the more difficult situations, children have experienced things that no child should have experience that placed them in the situation to be adopted. I am blessed to have my boys and some would say they are blessed to have us. But just because we might be blessed to have each other, doesn't necessarily mean that they would have been less blessed without us.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Getting personal
Today I am going to write about something very personal, but very close to my heart. Last night while caring for the elderly lady I sit with, I watched a new show called "The Briefcase". The show is based on giving two families $101K that they can either keep, give part of away or give all away to a family in as much or more need than them. When making this decision, neither family knows that the other family also has a briefcase, so they are making this decision with the assumption that they will not receive any money in return. One of the families had a husband with health needs and no health insurance. The wife of the other family worked as a nurse, and said several times that she felt for people who didn't have health insurance, but as I heard her say these words, I felt like she just didn't get it. I'm not belittling this woman or her family who also had financial and medical needs, but more or less acknowledging that she is like so many in this country who don't really understand what it's like to be uninsured or underinsured and have regular medical bills.
Healthcare has been a hot topic in our country the past few years. Many have been up in arms over Obamacare, the cost and the fact that they are being required to have health insurance. I am not going to pretend like Obamacare is perfect and I have had plenty of frustrations with the marketplace, but I am so thankful that it exists. Let me let you in on a little secret, for most of our marriage, Elias and I have been underinsured.
What does this mean? It means that we would receive employer based health insurance that was not comprehensive, so it covered very little. We would go to the pharmacy each month for his meds and be told that we didn't have coverage because there was no generic brand for his medications and the bill would total anywhere from half of our monthly income, to twice or more than our monthly income. These costs came every month. In our first year of marriage, we had times where we had to decide whether or not to get his meds that month. No one, should EVER have to decide whether or not their loved one could receive their daily medications. Some of his pharmaceutical companies had assistance programs, but you didn't qualify if you were underinsured. There were times I prayed that we would qualify for medicaid and if our medical expenses were counted, we would have, but we didn't qualify and couldn't afford private insurance.
There came a time in our marriage where we were out of options. Neither one of us had comprehensive employer based health insurance, we couldn't afford private insurance and our last lifeline, the NY state reimbursement plan that reimbursed us up to 7% of our income (which helped, but wasn't ideal when you don't have the initial funds to pay and they take 3-12+ months to reimburse you) was giving us 30 days to obtain comprehensive health insurance with no prescription drug coverage cap. I was in tears.
Then Obamacare began. The healthy NY program was in place which offered private health insurance at a slightly more affordable rate, it was still a lot of for us, but so much better than anything else we could ever afford. And, because of Obamacare the previously held $3000 prescription drug coverage cap that prevented us from using this option before, that we would have maxed out in one month, was removed. We then could afford appointments, prescriptions and we qualified for various co-pay cards to further remove the financial burden.
This is why we had to fundraise for adoption and were unable to put money away over our 5 years of marriage. I know not everyone agreed with that decision, but it was our only option other than wait an underdetermined amount of time where we could eventually save enough money to become parents.
Now as a family of 4, two of whom have additional medical expenses, we qualify for quality, affordable health insurance because we live off of a limited income. We have no employer based health insurance, but we now have options that we didn't have before. I know that Obamacare has not been great for everyone or even affordable for everyone. It is far from perfect and I truly hope that it improves throughout the years instead of declining, and we may someday face that challenge as well. However, I want to help those who have been frustrated by health insurance costs and issues for the first time in their lives, to understand what those of us who have lived this way for years have gone through. We are not the only family that has benefited from these changes and the past 2 years have been the only 2 years out of our nearly 7 year marriage that we haven't faced constant health insurance related stress. Okay, I'll step off my soapbox now, but if I opened one set of eyes, I have done my job :). Also, this post is not to invoke pity, just to educate.
Healthcare has been a hot topic in our country the past few years. Many have been up in arms over Obamacare, the cost and the fact that they are being required to have health insurance. I am not going to pretend like Obamacare is perfect and I have had plenty of frustrations with the marketplace, but I am so thankful that it exists. Let me let you in on a little secret, for most of our marriage, Elias and I have been underinsured.
What does this mean? It means that we would receive employer based health insurance that was not comprehensive, so it covered very little. We would go to the pharmacy each month for his meds and be told that we didn't have coverage because there was no generic brand for his medications and the bill would total anywhere from half of our monthly income, to twice or more than our monthly income. These costs came every month. In our first year of marriage, we had times where we had to decide whether or not to get his meds that month. No one, should EVER have to decide whether or not their loved one could receive their daily medications. Some of his pharmaceutical companies had assistance programs, but you didn't qualify if you were underinsured. There were times I prayed that we would qualify for medicaid and if our medical expenses were counted, we would have, but we didn't qualify and couldn't afford private insurance.
There came a time in our marriage where we were out of options. Neither one of us had comprehensive employer based health insurance, we couldn't afford private insurance and our last lifeline, the NY state reimbursement plan that reimbursed us up to 7% of our income (which helped, but wasn't ideal when you don't have the initial funds to pay and they take 3-12+ months to reimburse you) was giving us 30 days to obtain comprehensive health insurance with no prescription drug coverage cap. I was in tears.
Then Obamacare began. The healthy NY program was in place which offered private health insurance at a slightly more affordable rate, it was still a lot of for us, but so much better than anything else we could ever afford. And, because of Obamacare the previously held $3000 prescription drug coverage cap that prevented us from using this option before, that we would have maxed out in one month, was removed. We then could afford appointments, prescriptions and we qualified for various co-pay cards to further remove the financial burden.
This is why we had to fundraise for adoption and were unable to put money away over our 5 years of marriage. I know not everyone agreed with that decision, but it was our only option other than wait an underdetermined amount of time where we could eventually save enough money to become parents.
Now as a family of 4, two of whom have additional medical expenses, we qualify for quality, affordable health insurance because we live off of a limited income. We have no employer based health insurance, but we now have options that we didn't have before. I know that Obamacare has not been great for everyone or even affordable for everyone. It is far from perfect and I truly hope that it improves throughout the years instead of declining, and we may someday face that challenge as well. However, I want to help those who have been frustrated by health insurance costs and issues for the first time in their lives, to understand what those of us who have lived this way for years have gone through. We are not the only family that has benefited from these changes and the past 2 years have been the only 2 years out of our nearly 7 year marriage that we haven't faced constant health insurance related stress. Okay, I'll step off my soapbox now, but if I opened one set of eyes, I have done my job :). Also, this post is not to invoke pity, just to educate.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
An Ode To Birthmother's Day
We all know that Mother's Day is this weekend (and if you didn't, you do now!), but did you know that there is also a Birthmother's Day? Don't feel bad if you didn't because up until a couple of years ago, I didn't know either. Really, you wouldn't know unless you have some sort of connection to the adoption community. Birthmother's Day is this Saturday, the day before Mother's Day, so I thought I would take the time to brag a little bit on our birthmother, Katy.
There are so many stereotypes surrounding adoption and birthmoms. Everything from every birth mom must have used drugs, to the children were unwanted, to these women need to be more reproductively "responsible". Unfortunately in some cases this is true, but many times it is not and in our case, it certainly is not!
Katy is none of these things. She is an amazing, responsible woman who loves and cares for her family. She loves deeply and the decision to place our boys did not did not come lightly or easily. She is raising two other great children as a single mom and she has said goodbye this side of heaven to two others before Asher and Lucas. She loves the Lord and is raising her children to do the same. She runs her own daycare to provide for her family and she has never used drugs.
When she found out Asher had Down syndrome I think that there was a part of her that somehow, despite the deep love she already felt, grew to love him even more than she already did. That love came with fear because adoption was already in the back of her mind and she didn't know what that would mean when it came to finding a family for both of her boys. After Asher was diagnosed with Down syndrome, cysts were found on Lucas' brain which could have been indicative of another chromosomal condition. She was strongly encouraged to terminate her pregnancy, but her love was so strong for these babies that she knew that that was not an option and that resulted in two beautiful and healthy boys.
She sought the Lord when making her decision and He led her to us. She prayed for us and for our boys. She cried tears of joy and tears of sorrow when handing two sweet babies over to us to raise and love. She is joyful that she has given us the gift of parenthood, but she misses and thinks about Asher and Lucas every day. She rejoices in each milestone they meet and tells us how much she loves not only the children we share, but how much she loves us as well.
She is strong, as all birthmother's are who choose to make this incredibly selfless decision. She knows I am their mom, but she will always be too. I am so honored to share motherhood with this amazing woman.
This Birthmother's Day, don't judge before you know the story (one that Katy will share at a later time). Most birthmother's are just like you and me who have found themselves in a place where parenting at that time was not the best option for their family. They love their children and they want to be part of their lives, to know that they are safe, healthy and happy. To share with them their story and love on them. I am so thankful for open adoption and for Katy and their is never a day that I take that for granted.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
I recently finished reading the book "Kisses From Katie". Wow. This is the kind of book that lights a fire inside of me and inspires to me to hand my life over to God in a completely new and radical way, allowing Him to use me in ways that are far bigger than myself. It's also the kind of book that drives me to better love the people of this world, especially the least of these. It makes me want to find homes for every child without family so that they don't have to go to sleep another night without having a mom or dad tuck them and kiss them goodnight. It's the kind of book that reminds me that I don't want to live complacently and comfortably. I want to be stretched to live more like Jesus, even when it's scary and hard.
Katie went to Uganda at the age of 18 on a short term missions trip. She decided to follow what she felt God was calling her to do, and return to Uganda long term. By the time she was 22 she was a single mother to 14 daughters whom she was in the process of adopting and serving far more children and families through sponsorship programs that provided money for children to attend school, basic healthcare, hot meals, hot showers and Bible studies. I find her to be truly amazing and inspiring.
I also have to be careful when I read books like this because it gives Satan space to leave my feeling as though what I am doing right now is inadequate. It makes me want to pack up my whole family and return to a developing country even if that is not our calling right now because surely what we are doing here isn't "enough". Even Katie admits that she doesn't feel as though she is doing something extraordinary, but it looks that way for those on the outside looking in.
I have felt for so long that there was a hole in my heart. Since becoming a mom, I truly feel as though this is what God has been calling me to be my whole life. I may not have 14 daughters, but I have two amazing sons that I have been entrusted with raising. What an honor! I also have been given the opportunity by God to become a massage therapist where I am able to pray that God will use me as His hands when I am working and literally laying hands on my clients. Now I am working at becoming a doula where I have to opportunity to be present for the birth of new life into the world and love and serve women in that important time in their lives. God is using me and I have to remember that what I am doing right now isn't inadequate. In fact, being a mom is the most important job I have ever held and will ever hold and the other jobs can have a profound impact when led by God.
Katie and I in many ways found ourselves at the same crossroads, which is maybe why this book strikes such a cord in my heart. I had the choice to go back to Bolivia or stay in the States and get married. She had the choice to go back to Uganda or return to the States and get married. I chose marriage, she chose Uganda. It's easy to wonder what would have been if I had chose Bolivia, not that I feel that I chose wrong, just to wonder what would have been if I had chose different. The great thing though, is that God can use all of us in any circumstance and any place. Because I chose marriage, God called Elias and I to West Africa, a place that will forever hold a piece of our hearts. And of course, more recently he called us to adopt, not one, but two babies and he opened our hearts to special needs.
I have no idea what the future holds, it may include returning to the international mission field or it may included serving God right here in our little hometown. It may include international or foster care adoption of an older child or it may not. All I know is that I want to be ready and willing to serve God however and whenever He calls and to love others with reckless abandon.
Katie went to Uganda at the age of 18 on a short term missions trip. She decided to follow what she felt God was calling her to do, and return to Uganda long term. By the time she was 22 she was a single mother to 14 daughters whom she was in the process of adopting and serving far more children and families through sponsorship programs that provided money for children to attend school, basic healthcare, hot meals, hot showers and Bible studies. I find her to be truly amazing and inspiring.
I also have to be careful when I read books like this because it gives Satan space to leave my feeling as though what I am doing right now is inadequate. It makes me want to pack up my whole family and return to a developing country even if that is not our calling right now because surely what we are doing here isn't "enough". Even Katie admits that she doesn't feel as though she is doing something extraordinary, but it looks that way for those on the outside looking in.
I have felt for so long that there was a hole in my heart. Since becoming a mom, I truly feel as though this is what God has been calling me to be my whole life. I may not have 14 daughters, but I have two amazing sons that I have been entrusted with raising. What an honor! I also have been given the opportunity by God to become a massage therapist where I am able to pray that God will use me as His hands when I am working and literally laying hands on my clients. Now I am working at becoming a doula where I have to opportunity to be present for the birth of new life into the world and love and serve women in that important time in their lives. God is using me and I have to remember that what I am doing right now isn't inadequate. In fact, being a mom is the most important job I have ever held and will ever hold and the other jobs can have a profound impact when led by God.
Katie and I in many ways found ourselves at the same crossroads, which is maybe why this book strikes such a cord in my heart. I had the choice to go back to Bolivia or stay in the States and get married. She had the choice to go back to Uganda or return to the States and get married. I chose marriage, she chose Uganda. It's easy to wonder what would have been if I had chose Bolivia, not that I feel that I chose wrong, just to wonder what would have been if I had chose different. The great thing though, is that God can use all of us in any circumstance and any place. Because I chose marriage, God called Elias and I to West Africa, a place that will forever hold a piece of our hearts. And of course, more recently he called us to adopt, not one, but two babies and he opened our hearts to special needs.
I have no idea what the future holds, it may include returning to the international mission field or it may included serving God right here in our little hometown. It may include international or foster care adoption of an older child or it may not. All I know is that I want to be ready and willing to serve God however and whenever He calls and to love others with reckless abandon.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
My sweet boys turn one
Today I celebrate the bittersweet day that my sweet baby boys turn one. I can hardly believe that a year has already come and gone. I look at my little boys and I notice that they are starting to look just like that, more like little boys than babies. Lucas is everywhere and into everything, this is little baby-toddler hybrid that is soaking up everything like a sponge. Even though I would never want to see my child struggle, I am in some ways thankful that I get to keep Asher like a baby a little while longer as developmentally he's more like an 8-9 month old. I love watching my boys grown and develop, I celebrate and rejoice in every new milestone. I am so honored to be their mama.
This year hasn't been easy, but unlike most challenging years, the challenges aren't what stick out in my mind. Rather, the joys are what I remember most vividly. If you would have told me that I would feel this way in the first three months of their lives, I would have laughed or maybe even cried. Those days felt so hard! I was more tired than I could have ever imagined being, but I was also so in love with these two helpless little beings that wanted and needed all of my time and energy. But each month got at little easier and presented itself with new unique challenges. And each month I fell more and more hopelessly in love with my sons.
On this day, I am so excited that they are turning one and all they are doing, but I am also sad to know that this may have been my one and only year of being mommy to a baby. Being a mom to a baby is such a sweet time. At the same time, I am so thankful that I got do to it two times over and if I never do it again, the time I had is more than enough and more than some far more deserving than I get to experience. What did I do to deserve such blessings? It's almost mind boggling how fast one year of pure joy can pass when one year of pain and grief can feel like an eternity.
Today I praise the Lord with my whole heart to have been given this gift. I praise Him that he brought Elias and I to Katy and her family. That He changed and softened our hearts to accept the children that He chose us to parent and that He has entrusted us to raise them.
Oh, sweet boys. I cannot put into words my love for you. I am so unworthy of the gifts that you are to my life. I pray that God will lead me to be the best mom that I can be and everything that you deserve. It is truly a privilege and and honor to be called your mom.
"I'll like you forever, I'll love you for always. As long as you're living, my babies you'll be."
This year hasn't been easy, but unlike most challenging years, the challenges aren't what stick out in my mind. Rather, the joys are what I remember most vividly. If you would have told me that I would feel this way in the first three months of their lives, I would have laughed or maybe even cried. Those days felt so hard! I was more tired than I could have ever imagined being, but I was also so in love with these two helpless little beings that wanted and needed all of my time and energy. But each month got at little easier and presented itself with new unique challenges. And each month I fell more and more hopelessly in love with my sons.
On this day, I am so excited that they are turning one and all they are doing, but I am also sad to know that this may have been my one and only year of being mommy to a baby. Being a mom to a baby is such a sweet time. At the same time, I am so thankful that I got do to it two times over and if I never do it again, the time I had is more than enough and more than some far more deserving than I get to experience. What did I do to deserve such blessings? It's almost mind boggling how fast one year of pure joy can pass when one year of pain and grief can feel like an eternity.
Today I praise the Lord with my whole heart to have been given this gift. I praise Him that he brought Elias and I to Katy and her family. That He changed and softened our hearts to accept the children that He chose us to parent and that He has entrusted us to raise them.
Oh, sweet boys. I cannot put into words my love for you. I am so unworthy of the gifts that you are to my life. I pray that God will lead me to be the best mom that I can be and everything that you deserve. It is truly a privilege and and honor to be called your mom.
"I'll like you forever, I'll love you for always. As long as you're living, my babies you'll be."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)