Recently Elias and I began reading a book on suffering. In the introduction the author talks about the character of God and how we are many times taught that we suffer and prayers are not answered because we have a lesson to learn. I wouldn't say that we have felt as though God is trying to teach us a lesson that we have to learn before we have children, but I would say that I have definitely forgotten to look at the character of God throughout this process. The author reminds us that to know God's character all we have to do is look to Jesus. In my anger, grief and bitterness I have many times felt like God was completely against us having children and in many ways it felt like we were being punished even though I know that is not the character of God.
After reading this, I was walking Scrumpy in our field out back the other day and praying. I have to admit that I was surprised when the prayer that came out was for God to reveal is his character more to me. Shortly after praying this prayer a revelation, or maybe more of a reminder, was brought to mind. I was reminded in that moment that God is not doing this to us. We are a fallen and sinful people and therefore we have to experience suffering in life. While God uses that suffering and sometimes promotes the most growth from periods of suffering he does not cause us to suffer. In my anger I have lost sight of this. I have focused more on the fact that if God is all powerful, then he can provide us with a child at any time. But on this day, I was reminded that the one who is causing me to suffer is Satan. Satan has gotten into my head and heart and caused me torment and grief, and I have allowed him in my life allowing me to torment myself. Rather than recognize that God is grieving with us and hates that we have to go through this pain, I would get angry and blame him, ultimately giving Satan more power causing me more grief and anger. As soon as I realized what I had been doing and remembered God's true character of love I felt like I had been released from the bondage that I had been living in for the past number of months. I can't say that I never am sad or discouraged or that I won't have these feelings in the future, but I no longer feel like God is against us. I am not saying that it's not okay to get angry or to grieve, but I was allowing Satan to lie to me and distort the character of God. Rather than turning to God in my anger and grief I was pushing him away allowing Satan more power of my life and emotions.
This new freedom is a beautiful thing and I hope that in the coming days, months and possibly even years that I will remember this truth. Even on the hard days, I hope that I will remember that God is love and he is for us, not against us, and that he wants this for us just as much, if not more, than we do. Thank you again for all of your prayers. I truly believe that they have helped me to remember who God really is.