Wednesday, October 9, 2013

How far we've come

This past weekend, we were incredibly blessed to travel to PA to watch one of my dear friends get married to a wonderful man. The wedding was beautiful and God was so present in their day and their love. They are beginning their marriage full of hope and excitement for everything the future has to hold. As I watched them though, I unexpectedly felt a little sad. I was so happy for them, but I think I was mourning the loss of that young love, that is full of that hope and excitement that I felt on our wedding day.  

We are fortunate in the sense that we knew prior to getting married that starting a family would most likely be difficult, but there was still so much hope and excitement and the naivety that it would be "easy" or at least easier than what it has been. It was also laced with hope that we either wouldn't fall into the 98% of men with CF that are infertile or that God would provide us with a miracle in the way that I envisioned a miracle at that time. There was a part of me that wanted to go back to that place of not knowing the struggles that would face us. To go back to the time when our marriage hadn't been touched by the grief, anger and frustration that accompanied this struggle and tested in ways that we couldn't even begin to imagine. But, if I'm truly honest with myself, I don't want to go back there. It was a beautiful time, but our marriage is actually better and stronger than it was then because of this journey. We now know that we can go through difficult times and not let those times destroy us. I also would NOT want to walk this road all over again. I've been to the pit where I was thankful that God was there, but I didn't want to talk to Him. Since then, I have also come to a place where more recently I have felt closer to God than I have in a long time and I once again feel hope! I feel like this goes along with my last post where, yes, our marriage has been impacted by this journey in some difficult ways, but also some beautiful ways. To go back, would be to say that no good has come from this process and that we are not a better couple than we were on that day.

I would never want to see anyone have to walk this road, but I'm thankful that God is present and there to pick us up and bring us through to the other side, strengthening our marriage and transforming us as individuals and a couple.

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