Some days this journey isn't so bad. I would be hard pressed to say that a day doesn't go by that I don't think about becoming a mother, but I can go about my day to day tasks, functioning normally and most of the times, even be content.
Then something will bring me down. It might be a new pregnancy announcement on Facebook, a pregnancy massage at work, or a family event where I feel like we are the only ones unable to move forward with this part of our lives. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere and I find myself knocked back down, aching and desperate to become a mother. These periods usually last a few days, sometimes longer, where it seems as though the desire to adopt consumes me and I begin raking my mind to figure out how I can expedite this process or even how I can make it work out at all. I'm not sure what to compare this ache to, but it is a deep gut wrenching ache that at times takes everything in me just to keep breathing. I pray, but it still hurts, and while I know that God understands and that He is holding me close, the ache remains.
I was feeling this way a week or two ago and a song came on the radio that deeply resonated with my soul. The song is called "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. Ironically it came out of a time when the lead singer and his wife where struggling with their daughters not sleeping through the night and just feeling worn out all the time. For me though, it described perfectly how I felt about our journey at that time. I just felt emotionally worn out and exhausted. These feelings have lead me to question the plans that God has for us. Are we on the wrong path or have we just not waited long enough? Are we supposed to be pursuing domestic adoption or should we be pursuing international, which seems that much more impossible? I know that adoption is where we are supposed to be, but have we been pursuing it incorrectly? Or is all of this Satan trying to cloud my mind? Is God speaking to my heart, or is my heart preventing me from hearing God's voice?
God has broken my heart for the orphans of this world. I can look at waiting children photolistings and sit there in tears desperately wanting to provide these children homes and families to call their own. Please continue to pray for us as we seek clarity and that I will not drive my husband crazy in attempt to sort this out. We can't thank you enough for your love and support. Have a blessed day. Below is the link to the song Worn if you want to check it out.