December is different this year

I don't even know if I will adequately be able to put into words all that we are thankful for this year. Last year, the holiday season came around and while it was a bit easier than the previous year, it also came with pain. I wrote last year how December marked my birthday, which for the past 5 years meant that I was another year older and still childless. Then Christmas, where everyone would post pictures on Facebook of their families with little ones experiencing the joy of Christmas through the eyes of a child. It was also a reminder that once again, we had no children to buy gifts for. And then the new year came and once again I was reminded that another year had passed and I was afraid to get my hopes up that this might actually be the year that we would become parents. Little did I know that days later I would get the email that would change our lives forever.

Now this year our lives are completely different. We have moved into a house, that we hope to someday buy, that actually feels like ours. It is small, but it is warm and cozy. It keeps us dry and shelters from all of the elements. It meets more than our basic needs and for us, it is perfect.

We are close to our parents which was a goal to meet before children came into our family, so that our children can know their grandparents the way Elias and I knew our grandparents growing up. It also gives Elias and I a chance to give back to our parents when possible (even though they continue to give us far more than we could ever give back to them).

And of course, we have these two new little lives in our family. Two little boys that have made us more exhausted than we could have ever imagined while filling our days with more joy and happiness than I ever thought possible. Two sweet babies that remind us just how good God is even when we are struggling and that He really does want good things for us, even if we have to wait for them. Two lives that make me more fully understand what it means to surrender my life and how to live more for Christ than for myself. Two little lives that help me better understand just how much God loves me, because I know that He loves me more than I could ever love them. Two little lives that make me feel like I am finally doing what God created me to do...be a mom. What an honor to be trusted to care for these two sweet babies!

With these two little boys, we are also thankful for the extended family we have gained through our birth family. We have another family that loves our boys just as much as we do.

Harder than raising twins

I recently read an article that was titled "Twins are not hard". The woman, a mom of twins, went on to say that one of her friends who very much wanted children ended up dying of cancer before that ever could happen, which put her own challenges of raising twins into perspective.

As I read this article, I couldn't help but think of our journey. It's a poor comparison, but it made me think of the fact that infertility is definitely harder than raising twins.

Infertility is not life threatening, but there are days when the pain feels like it could smother you. It's a dark road with an unknown end. It leaves you emotionally and mentally drained, stealing sleep and replacing it with tears, stealing happiness and leaving depression in it's wake. Allowing for moments of hope only to be dashed with the words "not pregnant".

Raising twins is certainly not easy, especially in the early months. It's physically and mentally exhausting, but the exhaustion is different than that of infertility. It comes with a great amount of joy and happiness that far outweigh the frustration and exhaustion even on the toughest of days. You can be completely drained and think that you have nothing left to give and then your baby smiles at you or giggles when you kiss his belly.

Eventually I was able to find joy, even in the midst of infertility, but the pain was always lying right below the surface, waiting to rear it's ugly head when reading the next pregnancy announcement on Facebook. I still lived in a perpetual state of waiting for the day that it would be our turn and struggling to be content in the present just being the two of us, something that I now see was a true gift.

Now, my heart feels full. I am content and for the past 6 months, I haven't felt like there was a hole in our family. My tears of sorrow have been replaced with tears of joy as I raise our sweet baby boys. I haven't thought of us as being infertile in the last 6 months, now we are just parents. Would I love to sleep through the night every once and awhile? Of course, but really, it's a small price to pay to be "mommy".

Raising twins comes with challenges, but when put into perspective it is not hard, it is a true blessing.

Adoptive Breastfeeding

Oh adoptive breastfeeding. This is a topic I have wanted to write about for a LONG time, but there was always something else on my mind that took precedent. If you are in any way uncomfortable with the topic of breastfeeding, this is not the post for you. First of all, I know many of you are thinking "what? I didn't even know that was possible". Yes, it is possible to induce lactation without ever giving birth, however it is not easy. Long before we knew about the twins, I knew I wanted to breastfeed our adopted child. I joined a Facebook group and began learning about different ways to go about doing this. Some woman took meds, others just pumped and used herbs, some followed a "protocol" that has been written up for this purpose. Some woman induced before being matched with a baby, some started when matched and others waited until they had a baby in their home.

I fell into the third group even though I kind of wanted to fall into the second group, but didn't out of fear and being unsure if I wanted to take meds or not. At the end of the day I started taking meds and herbs and using a Lact-Aid, which is a supplemental nursing system that allows moms to nurse at the breast through a thin tube that runs along the breast and attaches to a bag full of milk. I was so excited to get started, but I had no idea how challenging this would prove to be. Asher had trouble with the Lact-Aid, so we relied on bottles initially for him. Lucas had no problem at all with the Lact-Aid, but for whatever reason, I found it more cumbersome to clean than bottles and often times in my exhaustion and haste, reached for whatever was quickest. I also didn't have a nursing cover and we were around people often enough that I was insecure and once again relied on a bottle. Lastly, if the babies were hungry at the same time and I was alone, I couldn't master nursing Lucas and bottle feeding Asher at the same time, since no baby should be fed laying on his back, but especially not babies with Down syndrome. I began producing drops of milk, but felt discouraged that I wasn't dedicated enough to use the Lact-Aid at nearly every feeding. 

Looking back the ways to remedy this would have been to get 5-6 Lact-Aid trainer systems so that I could prep them ahead of time and wash less frequently and it probably would have been beneficial to work on inducing ahead of time. 

All of that being said, we were incredibly blessed to have not only our boys' Momma Kate pump for us, but we have also had several other amazing women donate breastmilk so that we are still able to give our boys half formula and half breastmilk at every feeding! This may sound crazy to some, but for us, it has been an awesome gift, especially when Lucas couldn't tolerate any formula that we tried. 

In addition, while I may not have been able to give my boys much more than a few ounces of my own milk, I have been able to give them the gift of comfort nursing and that has meant almost as much to me as being able to breastfeed them, and for that, I am incredibly thankful. 

Things that are harder with twins vs a singleton

When you have twins, you receive a lot of comments such as "I don't know how you do it", "boy, you have your hands full", etc. I'm not going to lie, having twins can be tough, but as for how we do it? You just figure it out. Two babies need attention at the same time? You figure out how to give it to them. Of course there are also times when one baby just has a to cry for a few minutes while you deal with the other one. It becomes just as natural as taking care of one baby. But there are a few things that are noticeably more difficult with twins.

Grocery shopping. Now I'm not talking about the kind of grocery shopping where you just need to grab a few things, I can handle that. It's the full out grocery shopping for 1-2 weeks that I cannot possibly accomplish alone at this point. Right now, the twins are 4.5 months. Lucas is trying to sit up, but can't sit alone in a shopping cart (I'm honestly not sure how long he would tolerate that even if he could). If I only need a few things, I pop the babies in the snap n go stroller, try to make sure I also have my ergo baby carrier or baby k'tan to prevent meltdowns, and use the basket under the stroller as my cart. The snap n go has an amazingly big basket underneath, unfortunately it's not big enough to hold a whole load of groceries. To get a whole week's worth of groceries, I would have to wear one baby and put the other baby in his carseat, down in the cart. I never put a carseat on top of the cart since it is dangerous and babies have fallen off of the top of a cart and been injured. In case you weren't aware, once you get a carseat down in a cart, you have very little room left for groceries. If only I had been aware of tandem baby wearing with a large woven wrap when the boys were born, I could have potentially mastered this task, but for now, grocery shopping is a family trip with both Elias and I or one of us goes alone.

Bath time/ bed time. Just like most other babies, the twins tend to get fussy in the evening when they are tired. From 7 pm until both babies are asleep it is all hands on deck! One of us bathes, while the other keeps the other baby content and feeds him. Once bath time is done, we work on putting the babies to sleep. Asher is easy, we feed him, get him drowsy, set him in his crib and he usually goes to sleep. Lucas on the other hand fights sleep and only wants mom. He needs to pretty much be asleep before he will go down. If one of us is alone, neither baby gets the attention he wants/needs at bed time.

Walking the dog. This is another easy task with one baby. I would just strap him on in my ergo and off we would go! There likely would be no tears and no fussing and it wouldn't be much different than pre-baby walks. With two however, I have to make sure they are both content long enough to set up the stroller, put their cushions in there, get the dog ready and get both babies out the door and strapped in (p.s., neither child can walk to the stroller ;) )  I also have to make sure I have a pacifier and a baby carrier in case they get fussy or decide that they don't want to ride any longer. Then during the walk I have to keep Scrumpy from walking in front of both the stroller and traffic while also making sure that the stroller is off the road enough when there is oncoming traffic. This task isn't impossible, but just a bit more challenging.

Any sort of housework. If both babies aren't napping at the same time, I might have 5-10 minute increments to accomplish anything. In those times I wash bottles, baby clothes and diapers. You can imagine how the rest of my house looks.

Eating. See reason above.

I've read some stories recently that have made me truly appreciate the blessing that Asher is to us and the fact that God chose Katy as our birthmother. Not all children diagnosed with Down syndrome have such a bright looking future.

I was reading a blog by a woman who has adopted multiple children with special needs from various countries. She and her husband have adopted two little girls from Europe with Down syndrome. One of them was placed in an orphanage where she was put in a separate room for the children with special needs. The only human contact that she experienced was to be changed and fed. When they met her she would wrap her arms around her knees and rock. She also pulled out her hair to name a couple of behaviors she developed from spending her first 5 years confined to a crib. In addition to Down syndrome she was also believed to have institutional autism. She has been in the United States for a few years now, still struggles with some of the behaviors that she developed during this time in her life and is non-verbal possibly due to this time as well. All because she has Down syndrome.

A popular story right now of an Australian couple that hired a surrogate in Thailand. The woman became pregnant with twins and one of them was diagnosed with Down syndrome. The couple asked her to abort the baby late in the pregnancy and she refused. When the babies were born, they took the baby girl back home with them and left the baby boy born with Down syndrome in Thailand. Even though the surrogate carried the babies to better provide for her other children financially, she is now caring for this baby as well that she can't afford. All because he has Down syndrome.

In the United States we have the technology to diagnose Down syndrome prenatally. This results in roughly 93% of babies diagnosed with Down syndrome being aborted, which I find to be tragic, especially when there are waiting lists of people waiting to adopt these babies. All because they have Down syndrome.

I look at Asher and how he cries to have his needs met or even just to ask to be cuddled. I watch him smile and try to giggle when I kiss his face. I watch him develop and grow and imagine what opportunities he will have as he gets older. Thankfully he will never know what it's like to cry and learn that no one will respond to that cry. He will always know that he is loved, chosen and given life despite the fact that he has Down syndrome. He will only know what it's like to be raised in a family that loves him and will fight for him to have every opportunity that he deserves. All because he is a person just like us, who just happens to have Down syndrome.

Yes, it has been about a month since I last posted and that is simply because it is nearly impossible to find the time! That's not to say that I don't have a million things running through my head that I want to write about and that I usually forget by the time I finally have time to write about them. But tonight, both boys were asleep by 7! Apparently I exhausted them today as well as myself since I could go to bed right now (it's 8) and be perfectly content. But since I have this little bit of free time I thought I would catch you all up.

The boys are now 3 months old and so cute! They are chunky, growing, changing and developing every day! In case you don't have Facebook or aren't "friends" with Elias or myself, here is their 3 month picture:

How cute are they?! Lucas actually does smile, but to get them smiling at the same time was impossible.

There is a part of me that wants to keep them tiny forever, but it's so much fun to see them learning and doing new things. Lucas has been in 0-3 month clothes for about a month now and Asher has almost outgrown his newborn clothes.  He's too long for most of the pants and in the past couple of weeks had finally started chunking up because he apparently thinks he's starving and wants to eat every 90 min-2 hours unless he's sleeping. I have no idea what they weigh at this point, but we get to find out next week! Both boys are smiling sweet sweet smiles and love to coo and "talk". We are so in love with them!

So, what is it like parenting children who are adopted and parenting one with special needs? People are often afraid that they couldn't love an adopted child as much as a biological child. I have to say that if I could love a child any more than I love our boys, my heart would burst because it wouldn't be able to contain all of that love! It feels like they have been ours forever and that they were always meant to be ours. Our birth family feels like extended family and that they were always meant to be part of our lives. There is the occasional pang of guilt when we visit them and I'm the one that they call "mom", but I also know that Katy loves watching me be "mom" to our boys and I am honored to carry that title alongside of her. I don't look at our boys and think "they're adopted", I look at them and feel that they are genuinely ours in every way. Do they have our features? No, but it honestly doesn't make a difference, all I see is how cute and amazing they are.

It is the same with having a child with special needs. I never thought I would be a mom to a child with special needs. For a long time I wondered how parents with children with special needs felt and I felt like I couldn't do it. I loved working with children with special needs, but to parent one? I didn't think that I had it in me. Most people don't get a choice in the matter, but we did. It just goes to show how much God was preparing our hearts over the past 5 years. It struck me the other day when I was watching Asher, that he actually has Down syndrome. I know, that sounds crazy, but when I look at him, I don't see Down syndrome, I just see Asher. I know that he has Down syndrome and I've known that from the start, but I just seem him and think of Down syndrome as an additional part of him. I see a baby that is a different person from Lucas, who has a different personality, and develops on his own timeline. Yes he receives speech therapy already, and he is usually a few weeks to a month behind Lucas on developmental milestones, but that doesn't change how I see him or how I love him and it just makes it even more exciting when he starts doing the same things that Lucas has been doing for awhile.

 Sometimes I see his Down syndrome more clearly in a still photo that doesn't do his cuteness justice or if I really examine his facial structure and almond shaped eyes, but Down syndrome doesn't define him, just like adoption won't define them. These things will always be a part of them, but they don't define them. When I look at them, I only see my sons. I see my two adorable babies that are truly miracles (it's actually a miracle they made it through the whole pregnancy) and gifts from God to not only us, but so many that are in our lives, including some that we have never met. Even as I write this, I don't feel like I can fully convey how much I feel like they are wholly and fully ours even though we have the unique situation of also having our birth family that loves them as much as we do. It is all so amazing. To put it simply, they are our children and we are so honored that God chose us to be their parents.

Our children are not our own

I've heard it said that you never really know how selfish you are until you get married. You have to share everything, including things that you want all for yourself! At one point I would have said that was true, but now I fully disagree. I would say that you never know how selfish you are until you share your child with another woman. I know that sounds harsh, which I don't intend it to be, so bear with me.

As an adoptive mom I will forever share our boys with their mommy Kate. She carried them, gave birth to them and then entrusted them to us! I am still in awe of that selfless act and I will forever be thankful for what she has done and her obedience to God. You would think that because of that it would be easy for me to share them, but I am a selfish person and there are occasionally times where I want them all for myself. This doesn't mean that I don't love her in a way that I can only love the woman that gave life to our children. This doesn't mean that I'm full of bitterness and resentment or that I don't enjoy talking to her, visiting her or giving her updates (I really do love open adoption).  It just means that there are days when it feels like it would be "easier" to have them all to myself. But no one said that walking in the will of God would be easy, and if we were looking for easy, adoption was not the path to walk.

Recently I have felt called back to the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel. While going through infertility, I turned to the story of Hannah for hope and comfort. This time, I knew God was calling me there for another reason. As I read Hannah's story, I couldn't help but be amazed at her obedience to hand her son over to God and to allow him to be raised by someone else after waiting so many years to have him. I felt like it correlated so much with adoption. We have waited years for our boys. Our boys that have been shared with us and in return we also share them with their birth family. In every situation, our children are not our own. They are entrusted to us by God for a short time, yet we are selfish and only want to entrust them to God in certain situations where it's "easy" or at least "easier". We'll hand our children over to God when He calls us to raise them knowing Him, but if that means handing them over to someone else to raise them, or maybe take them to the mission field where it's not safe and they could get sick or hurt, we tend to shy away and say that's not God's calling on our lives, that's for someone else.

As I continually learn how to share parenthood, I am reminded that God first shared us with our earthly parents and it is an honor to be chosen to do the same.