Why open adoption?

You may have wondered what we have been up to since finding out that we will be adopting two sweet baby boys in April. Well, let me just tell you, it has been crazy! For a variety of reasons, we decided that we needed to move before the boys were born, so we have been working on getting a house ready since the beginning of February. It has been a ton of work, but we do not want to move after they are born. We are finishing up painting, beginning to take a few boxes over at a time and are so excited to be in a more permanent home. We have also been working on adoption paperwork, gathering baby stuff and just keeping up with life in general. So that is where we are at.

Now for the real post, why choose open adoption? From the outside looking in, without an understanding of adoption, open adoption can look really strange. Some of you are thinking, "I don't even know what an open adoption is". Each adoption is different, but what our open adoption with with birth family of our boys will look like is this: several visits each year, pictures, cards, letters, etc. We will invite them to the boys' birthday parties and we will likely be invited to some of their family events. We have also talked about having a special day just to celebrate the situation. They will become an extension of our family and us, an extension of theirs. We already have a beautiful relationship with them that has come easy to all of us, so we are looking forward to growing that!

Now, I get that some of you are thinking, why would we, as adoptive parents, want this kind of relationship. I have heard a variety of comments that come from a place of not understanding, but that in the future could hurt our children or their birth family so I want to clear some things up. First of all, our amazing expectant mother is choosing to place these babies out of love. I'm not going to tell her story, but I want everyone to understand that fact. She could have chose a different path for herself and these babies, but she didn't. Instead she let God show and lead her in the direction that He was calling her to. I know that might sound confusing without knowing all of the details, but that is all I'm going to say. I also want people to understand that she is not "giving them up", she is placing them in our family and entrusting us to care for them, raise them and love them.

We talk a lot about women having choices in our culture. We are okay with a woman terminating a pregnancy if it is best for her, but we are uncomfortable with the idea of a woman choosing to place her children in another family and wanting to maintain a relationship with them if she feels that is best for her and her children. Why shouldn't she know who they are being raised by, how they are being raised and if they are healthy and happy? This doesn't mean that she wants to micromanage our parenting, but she wants these babies to know where they come from, who their birth family is, who their siblings are and that they are loved. Placing a child for adoption is not a decision that one takes lightly and most birth mothers just want to know how their child is doing and that they made the right choice.

In the past adoptions were closed. Birth families were left wondering how their children were doing and children were left wondering why they were placed for adoption, where their birth families were, if they were alive and well and where/who they came from. With open adoptions, there are answers. Our boys will get to an age where they will be able to decide if they want to continue with this relationship. Our hope is that by being open from the beginning, the relationship with their birth family will feel natural. We aren't pretending that there won't be questions or possibly times when they need space to process emotions, but research has shown that open adoptions are healthy and don't confuse children like many assume.

We are incredibly grateful that our expectant family are the people that they are. We could not have created a better situation if we had tried and we feel honored that they chose us and more importantly, that God chose us. I remember our attorney (who we love) telling us that maybe we shouldn't talk about our faith in our profile since it may cause some people not to choose us. I told here that I would rather leave it in and not be chosen, than for that family to be upset later that their child was being raised in a Christian home. We chose to leave it in and it is one of the reasons that we were chosen for this situation, we love that it is something we all share! God works in amazing ways and we are honored to be a part of his workings.

I know that I shared the last time that we will not be having a shower until after the 30 day revocation period is up, but if you want to get us something before that, we will be using disposable diapers for the first month and then we hope to switch to cloth soon after. Did I mention we will be going through nearly 2 dozen diapers a day in the beginning? Thank you again for loving and supporting us on this journey and please keep praying for everyone involved!

Ladies and Gentlemen...

I know that so many of you have been wondering what is going on with the twins and if we have heard anything. For over a month now, I have had very little to report. We knew it was down to us and one other couple and the expectant mother told us that she was still trying to figure some things out. There is so much that goes into this process on all sides and every part needs to make sure that t's are crossed and i's are dotted before too much ground is covered.

So, we waited anxiously and even considered backing out because everything seemed to be going wrong! I truly feel as though this was spiritual attack and Satan was trying his best to get us to back out and not trust in God. To be honest, he almost won. Elias and I were going back and forth on what to do when on Saturday we got the text. The text that asked if we would meet our sweet expectant parents for dinner on Monday night. The text that made my heart race and stomach knot because I knew what they were going to say. I knew that they were going to tell us that they had chosen us to be the parents of these two sweet boys, and I was terrified! Honestly, deep down I have known all along that if we stuck with this, that we were going to be chosen for these babies, which has scared me. This is not the plan that we had for our lives or our family, but God doesn't often call us according to our plans. And often times, his calling is one that is challenging and scary, but so much more rewarding than we could have ever imagined or planned for ourselves.

So last night, we found ourselves nervously traveling to Utica to meet with this couple. After some small talk and chit chat, they got down to it and officially asked us to be the parents to these babies. Elias and I had decided already that if we were asked, that was God telling us to say yes. In that moment, he gave us peace and we said that, yes, we wanted to be their parents. This was followed by some tears, smiles and hugging. Then our expectant mother went and got her two children from the other side of the restaurant for us to meet. They came around with flowers and gifts and were so incredibly sweet! We each received a gift that had a card that said "will you be my dad?" and "will you be my mom?". Then, we were given our first outfits, toys and socks for our sons. Seriously, could we ask for a better birth family?! We spent the next 60-90 minutes eating, talking and feeling my (my?!) babies move inside their birth mama's belly.

The whole thing is still so surreal and a bit unbelievable, but considering they are due in mid-early April (ummm yes, I did say April) there is a lot to do and not much time to wrap our minds around all of this. Most people have about 8 months to prepare once they find out they are expecting, we have roughly 8 weeks, and that's if they don't decide to come early (early-mid April is when our expectant mother would be induced).

I have already been asked if will we have a shower. My answer: not until the 30 day revocation period is up. The 30 day what? In NY, birth parents have 30 days to change their mind when working with an agency. While we feel that our expectant mother is very set in her decision, anything can happen and we need to protect our hearts.

Please keep praying for everyone involved. That we will be prepared for these sweet lives to enter our family, that the expectant family will be at peace with this difficult decision, that our expectant mother will remain healthy, that the boys will be healthy and strong and that the baby with Down's will not develop any heart defects.

Also, if you feel led to contribute financially, you can still do so by sending a tax deductible donation to Lifesong for Orphans. Check can be made out to Lifesong for Orphans with "preference Zehr#3590" in the memo line and mailed to PO Box 40/202 N. Ford St. Gridley, IL 61744 or online at www.bothhands.org/zehradoption by clicking the "donate" button. 

"Everything Happens for a Reason"

Before I get into my main post, I'm sure that many of you are wondering what is going on with the twins situation that I wrote about in my last post. Since writing, Elias and I travelled to visit the birth parents and had a really nice time with them. We felt so comfortable with them and could definitely envision a beautiful adoption relationship with them. We all had a lot in common and the evening just felt natural. Currently they are talking with another couple, they had a few more questions for us and have asked to meet our parents as they are a huge part of our support system! So to wrap everything up, we are still waiting and they are taking their time so that they can make the best decision possible for these two precious babies.

Now onto the post that corresponds with the title. At some point we have all heard the phrase "everything happens for a reason", many of us have probably even said these words.

Today I call bull on that phrase.

This phrase is often said when either things have been tough and seemingly work themselves out or when things are currently tough and we don't have an answer as to why. They are said to either make ourselves feel better or in attempt to make others feel better. Let's face it, when you are going through a tough time, the last thing you want to hear is that it's happening for a "reason". I feel like in the Christian world, we are less likely to say these words and more likely to use something more "holy" like "it's part of God's plan" or "God's in control". While I fully believe that God can and does use hard times to bring good and to grow us, I don't believe that He causes suffering or that suffering is His plan for us. If we truly believe that He is indeed good and is love, He can't cause these things. Bad things and tough times happen because we are a sinful, fallen people. When God gave us free will, He gave up a portion of his control to allow us to make our own choices. Because we are a sinful people, suffering will and does happen.

All this being said, I do believe that God is all powerful and has the power to heal, do miracles and even take suffering away, but He also has the amazing ability to use that time of suffering and bring really good things. We can't say why one person prays and it seems as though their prayers are answered almost instantaneously while another person prays for the same thing and must endure extreme suffering as they feel as though their prayers aren't even being heard.  I can't say why, when one family walks in obedience when being called to adopt, they end up being doubly blessed by a miraculous pregnancy. While another family walks in this same obedience and prays for a miraculous pregnancy, so that they can experience both sides of having children, but never receives one.

The fact of the matter is, not everything happens for a reason. What would the reason be for a husband losing a wife or a parent losing a child? However, God can bring blessings out of suffering. This does not mean that it was part of His "plan" or that there was a "reason" behind it, but that He can take us in our broken state and heal us little by little, making us stronger and transforming us.  Through suffering He may ignite a passion in us or open our hearts to something that we wouldn't have previously considered.

This is how I feel about the twins. We may not be chosen and if we aren't, I'm okay with that, because I know that they will go to another amazing family that will love them dearly. But if we are chosen, it will only be because we had to walk a road of suffering for awhile. Five years ago, we would have never considered adopting a child with special needs. Two years ago when we began fundraising to adopt we would have never considered adopting a child with special needs. But now, after all of this time, we are willing to say "we surrender" and we are willing to take this step. I don't believe that God made us infertile or gave Elias CF or that it was in His "plan" for us to endure the greatest pain of our lives, but I do think that He has taken this time to prepare us for something greater than ourselves and our plans, and to bring us blessings bigger than we could have ever imagined. He could have changed our situation I'm sure of that, but if He had, we would not be sitting here today waiting to find out if we will be chosen as the parents of these precious little ones with hearts open to accept both of them just as they are.

Prayers needed

Chaos has ensued in the Zehr household! After 3 (now 4) rescheduled foster care home visits, we received an unexpected email on Friday. Our agency reached out to us to see if we would consider a situation that they were thinking about taking on, but needed a family to be on board before they did so. They had an expectant mother who is expecting twin boys in April, one of whom will be born with Down Syndrome. Previously this was outside of our comfort zone, but something on that day made us stop and pray about this. We had to run through so many scenarios in our heads regarding how having a child with special needs would change our lives and future. We also had to think about what God was calling us to and if He was calling us to this situation, we had to trust that the blessings would far outweigh the challenges that would be sure to come. We both felt like God was leading us to agree to be presented to this expectant mother despite the fear and uncertainties that we felt. So, we agreed, they (the expectant mother and friend) viewed our profile and they really like us. They sent a list of questions to us as well as 3 other families, so they can get a better feel for who God is leading them to choose for these precious babies.

Since agreeing to being presented to this couple, some new information has surfaced. We would like to proceed and our agency wants us to proceed, but we have to determine whether or not we can afford to proceed. We have been very honest with our agency about the fact that we do not want to enter into a situation that we cannot afford to complete, hence why we had moved onto foster care. They are willing to work with us as much as possible, but there is a certain amount of money that has to go toward paying the workers that will be working on this case. At this point we are asking for payer as we contemplate whether or not we can move forward. Is this what God has been preparing us for for the past 5 years? We have known for awhile that He has been preparing us for something bigger than ourselves, but this type of situation was not even on our radar! Are we supposed to just step out in faith and trust that somehow everything will work itself out? Is this the reason that our foster care home visit keeps being cancelled? To put it simply, our heads are spinning.

As of right now, we are moving forward until the expectant mother makes her decision. If she chooses us, we will need to figure the rest of the details out at that time and probably fill out as many grant applications as we can get our hands on! If she doesn't, we will proceed with becoming foster parents and trust that that is the capacity that God wants to use us in. At this point, we are not rescheduling our home visit until decisions are made with this situation. I have to say, it's reassuring to know that both we and the expectant mother are seeking God in this huge decision, but it's also terrifying to let go and trust that everything will work out if we are chosen! Please pray for us and even more so for the expectant mother as she makes a very difficult decision to determine who she feels God is leading her to choose to parent her children.

2013 in review

2013 has been a big year of changes for us. I never would have thought at the beginning of the year that I would be sitting where I am today. It has had it's ups and downs and certainly has not turned out the way I expected. To be honest, I truly thought that this was the year we would become parents, but as you know, it wasn't, and I have to be okay with that. So here is our year in review.

We began the year living in Poland, NY. I was working in NY Mills and Barneveld doing massage therapy while coming up to Lowville twice a month to offer massage therapy at Brookside Senior Living Community. Elias had just begun working with his dad in Lowville so that he could return to school full time as a computer network technician.

Around late spring/ early summer, we knew that a change needed to happen. With him being in school, we simply were not making enough money to make ends meet. I had been looking for additional part time work for awhile, but nothing worked with my massage schedule. So, we began talking about our next step needed to be. We had felt as though we were supposed to move back to Lewis County for some time, but we hadn't thought it would be at that soon. However, since nothing was opening up near Poland for me and Elias was already working in Lowville with his dad, we began exploring the possibility of moving back to Lewis County.

One day, I expressed interested in beginning practicing massage in Croghan and I was given the suggestion to contact one of the salons in town. The owner of that salon stated that she didn't have the space, but she recommended another space in town. I contacted the owner of that salon, went to view the space and decided that since the rent was reasonable, that I would take the plunge and begin offering hours there in July. We began looking for places to rent in Lewis County, found a house in Croghan and moved in September.

Around that same time, we completed our final big fundraiser to raise money for our adoption and came to the conclusion that, despite the generous donations from a number of people, there was no way that we could raise enough money for a traditional agency assisted adoption. We then decided that we would begin pursuing opening ourselves up to become foster parents unless a private adoption situation came along, which is something we are still open to in case any of you hear of anything. We began submitting all of our paperwork to Jefferson County DSS while they requested additional paperwork from The House of the Good Shepard in Utica where we took our foster care classes.

While all of this was happening, Elias begin his second semester as a computer network technician, while continuing to work with his dad. My massage business was not growing as quickly as I had hoped and I was blessed to begin working part time in October for a husband and wife company, only 8 minutes from our home, as an office assistant. The hours are very flexible and still allow me to focus time on my own business.

Currently, we are still waiting on becoming open for foster children, but this week we are once again scheduled to have our home visit, then we will need to get physicals and DSS will need to write up our homestudy. At that point, if all is in order, we should be able to be open to foster children!

I'm sure this next year will also be full of ups and downs, but I pray that the downs will grow us more in Christ and that the ups will bless us more than we could ever imagine. Many blessings to all of you this new year!

When going through a time of suffering, it is easy to think and feel as though your suffering is ultimate. Surely, no one understands what you are going through and their suffering can't possibly compare the pain and grief that you feel. While it feels this way, deep down we all know and realize that, even though this may be the most painful thing that we have ever experienced and far more painful than we could have ever imagined, there are those whose suffering far outweighs that of which we are experiencing.

To me, infertility has many times felt like a death that I have experienced over and over again. You may think that that sounds dramatic, but it is the only thing I can compare it to. It feels as though the one thing that I want most in this world has been stolen from me, my husband and my marriage in the most selfish of ways. We never had a choice, it was simply because of the way Elias was born. Somehow, that just doesn't seem fair or right.

I was blessed and humbled this weekend to be reminded that maybe we are being spared something horrible. I have never written about this, because I didn't know if it was my place. However, I asked Elias and he didn't seem to think that there was any reason for me not to. Elias had a brother that he unfortunately never had the chance to know. His name was Eric, he was my mother-in-law's first born baby and he had Cystic Fibrosis. This is no secret. Many people remember Eric, but since Elias never knew him, we don't talk about him often. Beginning last Christmas, Malinda (my mother-in-law), began a book of some of her writings for all of us kids. Last year, I was humbled as I read her account of having Elias and finding out that he had Cystic Fibrosis after losing Eric four years earlier. This was something I had wondered about in the past, but it seemed too personal to ask about. This year, I was even more humbled as I read her story of Eric; his birth, struggling to learn why he wasn't growing, his diagnosis, his life and his death at the age of 7 1/2. Eric was born 11 years before Elias with a more severe case of CF when there were less treatments. I don't write this to tell Malinda's story for her or to tell Eric's story for him. I write this because as I read her account and the pain that she, my father-in-law and Elias' oldest sister went through, I am challenged to look at my own story of suffering and think of how much worse it could be. I have to wonder, is there something when my egg and Elias' sperm come to together that would not result in a health baby? Even though the embryos look fine, is this actually God's grace on our lives, keeping us from an even greater pain?

There is no way for me to know, and it's probably better that way. It's so easy to take suffering at face value and wonder "why me?" while forgetting that sometimes, there is a reason. I don't think all suffering has a reason or a purpose, what would that say about a mother losing a child? But I do think that we can all grow because of suffering even, or maybe especially, if it breaks us in the process.

Most of you know that for awhile I was dead set against doing foster care. When we first announced that we were pursuing adoption and needed to fundraise to make that happen, many well intentioned people suggested foster care because it's "free" (I'll explain why I put that in quotes later). I have to admit, I felt like so many people were suggesting or in some cases even pushing foster care that I got annoyed (if you are one that suggested this, please bear with me). I felt like they just didn't "get it". I felt like some, not all, people were suggesting that it would be "easy" to adopt from foster care, which, in most cases, it's not. I felt like they truly didn't understand the emotional loss that we felt from failed transfers of our precious live embryos.

Now, almost two years since our first failed transfer, we are in the process of becoming foster parents AND I'm at peace with this path. Back when we were first beginning the fundraising process, we were in no place to become foster parents, I can see that now. I was experiencing the worst grief of my life and I was in a dark and depressed place. To try and parent a child that has experienced trauma, while working with their birth parents in effort to reunite them, and have them leave our home, love and care, was not an option. I would not have been able to view their birth parents with grace and I would not have been able to work toward reunification in the way that is needed. I could not accept this as an option for our family in that space and the very suggestion of it made me bitter. Even a year ago when we took classes, we weren't ready as a couple to pursue this path. Now, we see that it is what God has called us to do.

I've always said that I wish God would just spell out his plans for us because I'm a horrible listener. Well, he has closed every other door and has left us with foster care. I don't think it could be any clearer. I confided to a friend yesterday, who is also a foster mother, that this is definitely not the path I would have chosen for us. Adoption was never a plan "B" for us (it was always part of the plan), but fostering with the goal of adoption was not even in my plans! I have seen families foster and let me tell you, it's tough! It may be "free" financially, but it is definitely not "free" emotionally.  But, when God calls you to a tough path, knowing that you have been called makes the process a little easier and there is peace in the chaos.

Opening our home has been a long process thus far. We were supposed to have our homevisit yesterday, but due to weather, it has been postponed until next week. We also need to get new physicals and they need to write up our homestudy before we can be open. Once we are open, we wait. (sound familiar?) We may be waiting awhile since we are only open to younger children who have a high chance of being freed for adoption, but in the foster care/adoption world, you never know. In the meantime, we are working on training our furbaby to be better around new people. It's a work in progress, but we thank everyone who has been understanding and has followed the "rules" when entering our home. Elias will continue on with school and I will continue with work. We will also continue enjoying our time as a family of 3, which gets shorter every day. If you have donated to our adoption, your donations are safe in separate account that is set aside for any adoption related costs that could come up with foster care, or for a future adoption and we are thankful for every penny! Please keep praying for us as we explore a new, and hopefully final, path to adding to our family.