"Everything Happens for a Reason"

Before I get into my main post, I'm sure that many of you are wondering what is going on with the twins situation that I wrote about in my last post. Since writing, Elias and I travelled to visit the birth parents and had a really nice time with them. We felt so comfortable with them and could definitely envision a beautiful adoption relationship with them. We all had a lot in common and the evening just felt natural. Currently they are talking with another couple, they had a few more questions for us and have asked to meet our parents as they are a huge part of our support system! So to wrap everything up, we are still waiting and they are taking their time so that they can make the best decision possible for these two precious babies.

Now onto the post that corresponds with the title. At some point we have all heard the phrase "everything happens for a reason", many of us have probably even said these words.

Today I call bull on that phrase.

This phrase is often said when either things have been tough and seemingly work themselves out or when things are currently tough and we don't have an answer as to why. They are said to either make ourselves feel better or in attempt to make others feel better. Let's face it, when you are going through a tough time, the last thing you want to hear is that it's happening for a "reason". I feel like in the Christian world, we are less likely to say these words and more likely to use something more "holy" like "it's part of God's plan" or "God's in control". While I fully believe that God can and does use hard times to bring good and to grow us, I don't believe that He causes suffering or that suffering is His plan for us. If we truly believe that He is indeed good and is love, He can't cause these things. Bad things and tough times happen because we are a sinful, fallen people. When God gave us free will, He gave up a portion of his control to allow us to make our own choices. Because we are a sinful people, suffering will and does happen.

All this being said, I do believe that God is all powerful and has the power to heal, do miracles and even take suffering away, but He also has the amazing ability to use that time of suffering and bring really good things. We can't say why one person prays and it seems as though their prayers are answered almost instantaneously while another person prays for the same thing and must endure extreme suffering as they feel as though their prayers aren't even being heard.  I can't say why, when one family walks in obedience when being called to adopt, they end up being doubly blessed by a miraculous pregnancy. While another family walks in this same obedience and prays for a miraculous pregnancy, so that they can experience both sides of having children, but never receives one.

The fact of the matter is, not everything happens for a reason. What would the reason be for a husband losing a wife or a parent losing a child? However, God can bring blessings out of suffering. This does not mean that it was part of His "plan" or that there was a "reason" behind it, but that He can take us in our broken state and heal us little by little, making us stronger and transforming us.  Through suffering He may ignite a passion in us or open our hearts to something that we wouldn't have previously considered.

This is how I feel about the twins. We may not be chosen and if we aren't, I'm okay with that, because I know that they will go to another amazing family that will love them dearly. But if we are chosen, it will only be because we had to walk a road of suffering for awhile. Five years ago, we would have never considered adopting a child with special needs. Two years ago when we began fundraising to adopt we would have never considered adopting a child with special needs. But now, after all of this time, we are willing to say "we surrender" and we are willing to take this step. I don't believe that God made us infertile or gave Elias CF or that it was in His "plan" for us to endure the greatest pain of our lives, but I do think that He has taken this time to prepare us for something greater than ourselves and our plans, and to bring us blessings bigger than we could have ever imagined. He could have changed our situation I'm sure of that, but if He had, we would not be sitting here today waiting to find out if we will be chosen as the parents of these precious little ones with hearts open to accept both of them just as they are.

Prayers needed

Chaos has ensued in the Zehr household! After 3 (now 4) rescheduled foster care home visits, we received an unexpected email on Friday. Our agency reached out to us to see if we would consider a situation that they were thinking about taking on, but needed a family to be on board before they did so. They had an expectant mother who is expecting twin boys in April, one of whom will be born with Down Syndrome. Previously this was outside of our comfort zone, but something on that day made us stop and pray about this. We had to run through so many scenarios in our heads regarding how having a child with special needs would change our lives and future. We also had to think about what God was calling us to and if He was calling us to this situation, we had to trust that the blessings would far outweigh the challenges that would be sure to come. We both felt like God was leading us to agree to be presented to this expectant mother despite the fear and uncertainties that we felt. So, we agreed, they (the expectant mother and friend) viewed our profile and they really like us. They sent a list of questions to us as well as 3 other families, so they can get a better feel for who God is leading them to choose for these precious babies.

Since agreeing to being presented to this couple, some new information has surfaced. We would like to proceed and our agency wants us to proceed, but we have to determine whether or not we can afford to proceed. We have been very honest with our agency about the fact that we do not want to enter into a situation that we cannot afford to complete, hence why we had moved onto foster care. They are willing to work with us as much as possible, but there is a certain amount of money that has to go toward paying the workers that will be working on this case. At this point we are asking for payer as we contemplate whether or not we can move forward. Is this what God has been preparing us for for the past 5 years? We have known for awhile that He has been preparing us for something bigger than ourselves, but this type of situation was not even on our radar! Are we supposed to just step out in faith and trust that somehow everything will work itself out? Is this the reason that our foster care home visit keeps being cancelled? To put it simply, our heads are spinning.

As of right now, we are moving forward until the expectant mother makes her decision. If she chooses us, we will need to figure the rest of the details out at that time and probably fill out as many grant applications as we can get our hands on! If she doesn't, we will proceed with becoming foster parents and trust that that is the capacity that God wants to use us in. At this point, we are not rescheduling our home visit until decisions are made with this situation. I have to say, it's reassuring to know that both we and the expectant mother are seeking God in this huge decision, but it's also terrifying to let go and trust that everything will work out if we are chosen! Please pray for us and even more so for the expectant mother as she makes a very difficult decision to determine who she feels God is leading her to choose to parent her children.

2013 in review

2013 has been a big year of changes for us. I never would have thought at the beginning of the year that I would be sitting where I am today. It has had it's ups and downs and certainly has not turned out the way I expected. To be honest, I truly thought that this was the year we would become parents, but as you know, it wasn't, and I have to be okay with that. So here is our year in review.

We began the year living in Poland, NY. I was working in NY Mills and Barneveld doing massage therapy while coming up to Lowville twice a month to offer massage therapy at Brookside Senior Living Community. Elias had just begun working with his dad in Lowville so that he could return to school full time as a computer network technician.

Around late spring/ early summer, we knew that a change needed to happen. With him being in school, we simply were not making enough money to make ends meet. I had been looking for additional part time work for awhile, but nothing worked with my massage schedule. So, we began talking about our next step needed to be. We had felt as though we were supposed to move back to Lewis County for some time, but we hadn't thought it would be at that soon. However, since nothing was opening up near Poland for me and Elias was already working in Lowville with his dad, we began exploring the possibility of moving back to Lewis County.

One day, I expressed interested in beginning practicing massage in Croghan and I was given the suggestion to contact one of the salons in town. The owner of that salon stated that she didn't have the space, but she recommended another space in town. I contacted the owner of that salon, went to view the space and decided that since the rent was reasonable, that I would take the plunge and begin offering hours there in July. We began looking for places to rent in Lewis County, found a house in Croghan and moved in September.

Around that same time, we completed our final big fundraiser to raise money for our adoption and came to the conclusion that, despite the generous donations from a number of people, there was no way that we could raise enough money for a traditional agency assisted adoption. We then decided that we would begin pursuing opening ourselves up to become foster parents unless a private adoption situation came along, which is something we are still open to in case any of you hear of anything. We began submitting all of our paperwork to Jefferson County DSS while they requested additional paperwork from The House of the Good Shepard in Utica where we took our foster care classes.

While all of this was happening, Elias begin his second semester as a computer network technician, while continuing to work with his dad. My massage business was not growing as quickly as I had hoped and I was blessed to begin working part time in October for a husband and wife company, only 8 minutes from our home, as an office assistant. The hours are very flexible and still allow me to focus time on my own business.

Currently, we are still waiting on becoming open for foster children, but this week we are once again scheduled to have our home visit, then we will need to get physicals and DSS will need to write up our homestudy. At that point, if all is in order, we should be able to be open to foster children!

I'm sure this next year will also be full of ups and downs, but I pray that the downs will grow us more in Christ and that the ups will bless us more than we could ever imagine. Many blessings to all of you this new year!

When going through a time of suffering, it is easy to think and feel as though your suffering is ultimate. Surely, no one understands what you are going through and their suffering can't possibly compare the pain and grief that you feel. While it feels this way, deep down we all know and realize that, even though this may be the most painful thing that we have ever experienced and far more painful than we could have ever imagined, there are those whose suffering far outweighs that of which we are experiencing.

To me, infertility has many times felt like a death that I have experienced over and over again. You may think that that sounds dramatic, but it is the only thing I can compare it to. It feels as though the one thing that I want most in this world has been stolen from me, my husband and my marriage in the most selfish of ways. We never had a choice, it was simply because of the way Elias was born. Somehow, that just doesn't seem fair or right.

I was blessed and humbled this weekend to be reminded that maybe we are being spared something horrible. I have never written about this, because I didn't know if it was my place. However, I asked Elias and he didn't seem to think that there was any reason for me not to. Elias had a brother that he unfortunately never had the chance to know. His name was Eric, he was my mother-in-law's first born baby and he had Cystic Fibrosis. This is no secret. Many people remember Eric, but since Elias never knew him, we don't talk about him often. Beginning last Christmas, Malinda (my mother-in-law), began a book of some of her writings for all of us kids. Last year, I was humbled as I read her account of having Elias and finding out that he had Cystic Fibrosis after losing Eric four years earlier. This was something I had wondered about in the past, but it seemed too personal to ask about. This year, I was even more humbled as I read her story of Eric; his birth, struggling to learn why he wasn't growing, his diagnosis, his life and his death at the age of 7 1/2. Eric was born 11 years before Elias with a more severe case of CF when there were less treatments. I don't write this to tell Malinda's story for her or to tell Eric's story for him. I write this because as I read her account and the pain that she, my father-in-law and Elias' oldest sister went through, I am challenged to look at my own story of suffering and think of how much worse it could be. I have to wonder, is there something when my egg and Elias' sperm come to together that would not result in a health baby? Even though the embryos look fine, is this actually God's grace on our lives, keeping us from an even greater pain?

There is no way for me to know, and it's probably better that way. It's so easy to take suffering at face value and wonder "why me?" while forgetting that sometimes, there is a reason. I don't think all suffering has a reason or a purpose, what would that say about a mother losing a child? But I do think that we can all grow because of suffering even, or maybe especially, if it breaks us in the process.

Most of you know that for awhile I was dead set against doing foster care. When we first announced that we were pursuing adoption and needed to fundraise to make that happen, many well intentioned people suggested foster care because it's "free" (I'll explain why I put that in quotes later). I have to admit, I felt like so many people were suggesting or in some cases even pushing foster care that I got annoyed (if you are one that suggested this, please bear with me). I felt like they just didn't "get it". I felt like some, not all, people were suggesting that it would be "easy" to adopt from foster care, which, in most cases, it's not. I felt like they truly didn't understand the emotional loss that we felt from failed transfers of our precious live embryos.

Now, almost two years since our first failed transfer, we are in the process of becoming foster parents AND I'm at peace with this path. Back when we were first beginning the fundraising process, we were in no place to become foster parents, I can see that now. I was experiencing the worst grief of my life and I was in a dark and depressed place. To try and parent a child that has experienced trauma, while working with their birth parents in effort to reunite them, and have them leave our home, love and care, was not an option. I would not have been able to view their birth parents with grace and I would not have been able to work toward reunification in the way that is needed. I could not accept this as an option for our family in that space and the very suggestion of it made me bitter. Even a year ago when we took classes, we weren't ready as a couple to pursue this path. Now, we see that it is what God has called us to do.

I've always said that I wish God would just spell out his plans for us because I'm a horrible listener. Well, he has closed every other door and has left us with foster care. I don't think it could be any clearer. I confided to a friend yesterday, who is also a foster mother, that this is definitely not the path I would have chosen for us. Adoption was never a plan "B" for us (it was always part of the plan), but fostering with the goal of adoption was not even in my plans! I have seen families foster and let me tell you, it's tough! It may be "free" financially, but it is definitely not "free" emotionally.  But, when God calls you to a tough path, knowing that you have been called makes the process a little easier and there is peace in the chaos.

Opening our home has been a long process thus far. We were supposed to have our homevisit yesterday, but due to weather, it has been postponed until next week. We also need to get new physicals and they need to write up our homestudy before we can be open. Once we are open, we wait. (sound familiar?) We may be waiting awhile since we are only open to younger children who have a high chance of being freed for adoption, but in the foster care/adoption world, you never know. In the meantime, we are working on training our furbaby to be better around new people. It's a work in progress, but we thank everyone who has been understanding and has followed the "rules" when entering our home. Elias will continue on with school and I will continue with work. We will also continue enjoying our time as a family of 3, which gets shorter every day. If you have donated to our adoption, your donations are safe in separate account that is set aside for any adoption related costs that could come up with foster care, or for a future adoption and we are thankful for every penny! Please keep praying for us as we explore a new, and hopefully final, path to adding to our family.

"Sometimes trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise"

I'm trying harder this year to be thankful throughout this season. The holidays are always hard for me and to top it all off, my birthday, Christmas and New Years all fall within about 2 1/2 weeks of each other.  Each represent the passing of another year and another holiday season with no children to buy gifts for. But this year, while I may feel sad at times, I don't want to dwell on that. Instead I am choosing to be thankful for another year of life, health, marriage and time with family.

For those of you who don't know, I offer massage therapy at Brookside Senior Living Community and I love it! The conversations I am able to have with the residents there can be truly amazing. I was talking one day to a sweet woman who lost her husband a few years ago. She was telling me about how she and her husband started a family immediately after getting married and always planned to do their traveling, and just enjoy their time together, after they retired. Unfortunately, he got sick and they never had those years.

I can't help but think of my own marriage when I think of this conversation. This may sound depressing, but Elias and I have always know that I will most likely outlive him. It's not something I have thought a lot about until recently after reading a book written by a woman who lost her husband to cancer. She goes into detail about his disease, all he went through, and ultimately his death which was caused by tumors in his lungs. I couldn't help but think about how long Elias and I have together in this world. The average life span for a person with CF is mid-30's (he's 28). Thankfully, since Elias has a mild case, he has been told that he should easily live twice that long. However, as with any chronic illness, things can change quickly and really, none us know how long we have to live.

I say all of this to come back to my original point. This woman never had those years with just her husband. I however, already have. We have had 5 years of dating and 5 additional years of marriage to be just us. 10 total years of experiences, long car rides where we can just talk about anything and everything, movies and cuddling on the couch. 5 years of waking up next to each other and being able to just enjoy each other's company without having to make breakfast for hungry bellies. 10 years to grow stronger as a couple and learn how to have fun as a couple. We've experienced different towns, cities and countries and have had experiences that some can only dream of.

We don't know how long we have. We could easily be robbed of our retirement years as a couple, but we have had these amazing years to be thankful for. I have spent so much of our marriage pining for a child instead of being grateful for what we have and embracing every year of new experiences and stronger love. This year, I am choosing to be thankful for the time we have had and the time that is to come. I am choosing to be thankful for the times when we can sit on couch and just enjoy each other's company. These years are a gift not to be taken for granted.

There is a song by Laura Story called "Blessings", and the title of this post is a line from that song. I have had a really hard time understand the "mercies in disguise" during this "trial", but last night it came to me when I was thinking about the time that this woman didn't have with her husband and how we will always have had "our" time.

Fear and faith

I have read a quote that says that "fear and faith cannot live in the same house." I have to be honest, this is a huge struggle for me and there have been many times that I want to disagree with this quote entirely. In all actually, I'm still working on how I feel about this topic and learning what God is teaching me in this time. I have 100% faith that God is good and that He will use this journey for something greater than we could ever do on our own. However, that doesn't mean that some of the things that He asks us to do aren't scary. I believe that you can be obedient and have faith that He wiIl be faithful, walk with you, and when needed, carry you, but I also think that you can still feel fear in the midst of that. Not really fear that He will fail you, but fear of the pain that you may face and how you may be tested. It's kind of like a trust fall. You clearly trust the people that are going to catch you, or else you wouldn't fall, but that doesn't mean that you are afraid to do so.

I feel like this journey is a constant battle of fear and faith. I have faith that if God placed the desire in our hearts to be parents, and that He called us to adopt, that He will bless us with that gift. This journey began with nearly no doubt that we would become parents to both biological and adopted children.

When we first got married, we avoided getting Elias tested to see if he would be one of 98% of men with CF that cannot have bio children without IVF. We prayed for a miracle and hoped that our faith, by not getting him tested, would be enough. After 2 1/2 years, we came to the realization that maybe our  limited idea of a miracle was not what God was planning for us.

At that time, as a couple we felt as though we needed to try IVF and that adoption would be in our future when we could afford to do so. We entered IVF having faith that since there was no reason for it to fail, that we would most certainly get pregnant. However after the first failed transfer, fear began to set in. I began to question whether or not we were right in trying IVF at that time and my faith began to waiver. I knew we didn't have the money to adopt and as a couple we weren't ready to walk that road. I battled with believing that if I had faith the size of a mustard seed, our dreams would come true. We tried again and I dreaded the result of the pregnancy test. I knew it would be negative and we cried before even getting the results. I entered into the darkest place I had ever been in and struggled to maintain any faith at all. I was consumed by fear. I wanted to have biological children, but I didn't want to try again. Faith vs. fear.

That's when we began fundraising for adoption. I had faith that if we were finally walking in God's will, that the money would come flooding in like so many stories I had read before. When that didn't happen, I began to battle the fear that a situation would come along and we wouldn't have the money to afford it. Prior to officially beginning the adoption process, when I realized that fundraising was going to be slower than anticipated, we tried to get pregnant one more time. Once again, I wanted to have faith that this would happen, but I was so scared that it would fail again...which it did. At that point, I put the brakes on trying to get pregnant. Faith vs. fear.

That was a year and a half ago, we have three embryos left and I let fear control my decision whether to use them or not because I feel like it may be our last shot to get pregnant, and I'm not ready to let go of that dream if it fails. I feel as though God has told us we will have a biological child, but I also felt for a long time that we were supposed to adopt first. If we tried to get pregnant and we are supposed to adopt first, does that mean that mean it is destined to fail? Or is God more merciful than that? Faith vs. fear.

We have fought the idea of foster care for this very same reason. I have felt as though God may be speaking to me that the very thing we fear the most is exactly what we are supposed to do. Foster care can be a huge blessing for all involved, but you never know if that child will stay with you or how long they will be in your life, which is so scary for those who have faced so much loss. We are stepping out in faith and are in the process of opening ourselves up to this option. That doesn't mean that we aren't scared for our hearts. I believe that there is a need for foster parents and that God wants to use us in this capacity, so I have faith that good will come from this, but I fear the day when the child that we have grown to love goes back to his/her birthparents. Faith vs. fear.

Please pray for us as we begin this portion of the journey. It could be many months before we welcome a child into our home (we aren't even done with the paperwork), but in the adoption and foster care world, things can happen very fast. Pray for our hearts and that God will prepare us to love and to surrender. Children are never our own, they are only lent to us for a period of time to help prepare them to become the adults that they are meant to be.