When you have twins, you receive a lot of comments such as "I don't know how you do it", "boy, you have your hands full", etc. I'm not going to lie, having twins can be tough, but as for how we do it? You just figure it out. Two babies need attention at the same time? You figure out how to give it to them. Of course there are also times when one baby just has a to cry for a few minutes while you deal with the other one. It becomes just as natural as taking care of one baby. But there are a few things that are noticeably more difficult with twins.
Grocery shopping. Now I'm not talking about the kind of grocery shopping where you just need to grab a few things, I can handle that. It's the full out grocery shopping for 1-2 weeks that I cannot possibly accomplish alone at this point. Right now, the twins are 4.5 months. Lucas is trying to sit up, but can't sit alone in a shopping cart (I'm honestly not sure how long he would tolerate that even if he could). If I only need a few things, I pop the babies in the snap n go stroller, try to make sure I also have my ergo baby carrier or baby k'tan to prevent meltdowns, and use the basket under the stroller as my cart. The snap n go has an amazingly big basket underneath, unfortunately it's not big enough to hold a whole load of groceries. To get a whole week's worth of groceries, I would have to wear one baby and put the other baby in his carseat, down in the cart. I never put a carseat on top of the cart since it is dangerous and babies have fallen off of the top of a cart and been injured. In case you weren't aware, once you get a carseat down in a cart, you have very little room left for groceries. If only I had been aware of tandem baby wearing with a large woven wrap when the boys were born, I could have potentially mastered this task, but for now, grocery shopping is a family trip with both Elias and I or one of us goes alone.
Bath time/ bed time. Just like most other babies, the twins tend to get fussy in the evening when they are tired. From 7 pm until both babies are asleep it is all hands on deck! One of us bathes, while the other keeps the other baby content and feeds him. Once bath time is done, we work on putting the babies to sleep. Asher is easy, we feed him, get him drowsy, set him in his crib and he usually goes to sleep. Lucas on the other hand fights sleep and only wants mom. He needs to pretty much be asleep before he will go down. If one of us is alone, neither baby gets the attention he wants/needs at bed time.
Walking the dog. This is another easy task with one baby. I would just strap him on in my ergo and off we would go! There likely would be no tears and no fussing and it wouldn't be much different than pre-baby walks. With two however, I have to make sure they are both content long enough to set up the stroller, put their cushions in there, get the dog ready and get both babies out the door and strapped in (p.s., neither child can walk to the stroller ;) ) I also have to make sure I have a pacifier and a baby carrier in case they get fussy or decide that they don't want to ride any longer. Then during the walk I have to keep Scrumpy from walking in front of both the stroller and traffic while also making sure that the stroller is off the road enough when there is oncoming traffic. This task isn't impossible, but just a bit more challenging.
Any sort of housework. If both babies aren't napping at the same time, I might have 5-10 minute increments to accomplish anything. In those times I wash bottles, baby clothes and diapers. You can imagine how the rest of my house looks.
Eating. See reason above.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Monday, August 4, 2014
I've read some stories recently that have made me truly appreciate the blessing that Asher is to us and the fact that God chose Katy as our birthmother. Not all children diagnosed with Down syndrome have such a bright looking future.
I was reading a blog by a woman who has adopted multiple children with special needs from various countries. She and her husband have adopted two little girls from Europe with Down syndrome. One of them was placed in an orphanage where she was put in a separate room for the children with special needs. The only human contact that she experienced was to be changed and fed. When they met her she would wrap her arms around her knees and rock. She also pulled out her hair to name a couple of behaviors she developed from spending her first 5 years confined to a crib. In addition to Down syndrome she was also believed to have institutional autism. She has been in the United States for a few years now, still struggles with some of the behaviors that she developed during this time in her life and is non-verbal possibly due to this time as well. All because she has Down syndrome.
A popular story right now of an Australian couple that hired a surrogate in Thailand. The woman became pregnant with twins and one of them was diagnosed with Down syndrome. The couple asked her to abort the baby late in the pregnancy and she refused. When the babies were born, they took the baby girl back home with them and left the baby boy born with Down syndrome in Thailand. Even though the surrogate carried the babies to better provide for her other children financially, she is now caring for this baby as well that she can't afford. All because he has Down syndrome.
In the United States we have the technology to diagnose Down syndrome prenatally. This results in roughly 93% of babies diagnosed with Down syndrome being aborted, which I find to be tragic, especially when there are waiting lists of people waiting to adopt these babies. All because they have Down syndrome.
I look at Asher and how he cries to have his needs met or even just to ask to be cuddled. I watch him smile and try to giggle when I kiss his face. I watch him develop and grow and imagine what opportunities he will have as he gets older. Thankfully he will never know what it's like to cry and learn that no one will respond to that cry. He will always know that he is loved, chosen and given life despite the fact that he has Down syndrome. He will only know what it's like to be raised in a family that loves him and will fight for him to have every opportunity that he deserves. All because he is a person just like us, who just happens to have Down syndrome.
I was reading a blog by a woman who has adopted multiple children with special needs from various countries. She and her husband have adopted two little girls from Europe with Down syndrome. One of them was placed in an orphanage where she was put in a separate room for the children with special needs. The only human contact that she experienced was to be changed and fed. When they met her she would wrap her arms around her knees and rock. She also pulled out her hair to name a couple of behaviors she developed from spending her first 5 years confined to a crib. In addition to Down syndrome she was also believed to have institutional autism. She has been in the United States for a few years now, still struggles with some of the behaviors that she developed during this time in her life and is non-verbal possibly due to this time as well. All because she has Down syndrome.
A popular story right now of an Australian couple that hired a surrogate in Thailand. The woman became pregnant with twins and one of them was diagnosed with Down syndrome. The couple asked her to abort the baby late in the pregnancy and she refused. When the babies were born, they took the baby girl back home with them and left the baby boy born with Down syndrome in Thailand. Even though the surrogate carried the babies to better provide for her other children financially, she is now caring for this baby as well that she can't afford. All because he has Down syndrome.
In the United States we have the technology to diagnose Down syndrome prenatally. This results in roughly 93% of babies diagnosed with Down syndrome being aborted, which I find to be tragic, especially when there are waiting lists of people waiting to adopt these babies. All because they have Down syndrome.
I look at Asher and how he cries to have his needs met or even just to ask to be cuddled. I watch him smile and try to giggle when I kiss his face. I watch him develop and grow and imagine what opportunities he will have as he gets older. Thankfully he will never know what it's like to cry and learn that no one will respond to that cry. He will always know that he is loved, chosen and given life despite the fact that he has Down syndrome. He will only know what it's like to be raised in a family that loves him and will fight for him to have every opportunity that he deserves. All because he is a person just like us, who just happens to have Down syndrome.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Yes, it has been about a month since I last posted and that is simply because it is nearly impossible to find the time! That's not to say that I don't have a million things running through my head that I want to write about and that I usually forget by the time I finally have time to write about them. But tonight, both boys were asleep by 7! Apparently I exhausted them today as well as myself since I could go to bed right now (it's 8) and be perfectly content. But since I have this little bit of free time I thought I would catch you all up.
The boys are now 3 months old and so cute! They are chunky, growing, changing and developing every day! In case you don't have Facebook or aren't "friends" with Elias or myself, here is their 3 month picture:
How cute are they?! Lucas actually does smile, but to get them smiling at the same time was impossible.
There is a part of me that wants to keep them tiny forever, but it's so much fun to see them learning and doing new things. Lucas has been in 0-3 month clothes for about a month now and Asher has almost outgrown his newborn clothes. He's too long for most of the pants and in the past couple of weeks had finally started chunking up because he apparently thinks he's starving and wants to eat every 90 min-2 hours unless he's sleeping. I have no idea what they weigh at this point, but we get to find out next week! Both boys are smiling sweet sweet smiles and love to coo and "talk". We are so in love with them!
So, what is it like parenting children who are adopted and parenting one with special needs? People are often afraid that they couldn't love an adopted child as much as a biological child. I have to say that if I could love a child any more than I love our boys, my heart would burst because it wouldn't be able to contain all of that love! It feels like they have been ours forever and that they were always meant to be ours. Our birth family feels like extended family and that they were always meant to be part of our lives. There is the occasional pang of guilt when we visit them and I'm the one that they call "mom", but I also know that Katy loves watching me be "mom" to our boys and I am honored to carry that title alongside of her. I don't look at our boys and think "they're adopted", I look at them and feel that they are genuinely ours in every way. Do they have our features? No, but it honestly doesn't make a difference, all I see is how cute and amazing they are.
It is the same with having a child with special needs. I never thought I would be a mom to a child with special needs. For a long time I wondered how parents with children with special needs felt and I felt like I couldn't do it. I loved working with children with special needs, but to parent one? I didn't think that I had it in me. Most people don't get a choice in the matter, but we did. It just goes to show how much God was preparing our hearts over the past 5 years. It struck me the other day when I was watching Asher, that he actually has Down syndrome. I know, that sounds crazy, but when I look at him, I don't see Down syndrome, I just see Asher. I know that he has Down syndrome and I've known that from the start, but I just seem him and think of Down syndrome as an additional part of him. I see a baby that is a different person from Lucas, who has a different personality, and develops on his own timeline. Yes he receives speech therapy already, and he is usually a few weeks to a month behind Lucas on developmental milestones, but that doesn't change how I see him or how I love him and it just makes it even more exciting when he starts doing the same things that Lucas has been doing for awhile.
Sometimes I see his Down syndrome more clearly in a still photo that doesn't do his cuteness justice or if I really examine his facial structure and almond shaped eyes, but Down syndrome doesn't define him, just like adoption won't define them. These things will always be a part of them, but they don't define them. When I look at them, I only see my sons. I see my two adorable babies that are truly miracles (it's actually a miracle they made it through the whole pregnancy) and gifts from God to not only us, but so many that are in our lives, including some that we have never met. Even as I write this, I don't feel like I can fully convey how much I feel like they are wholly and fully ours even though we have the unique situation of also having our birth family that loves them as much as we do. It is all so amazing. To put it simply, they are our children and we are so honored that God chose us to be their parents.
The boys are now 3 months old and so cute! They are chunky, growing, changing and developing every day! In case you don't have Facebook or aren't "friends" with Elias or myself, here is their 3 month picture:
How cute are they?! Lucas actually does smile, but to get them smiling at the same time was impossible.
There is a part of me that wants to keep them tiny forever, but it's so much fun to see them learning and doing new things. Lucas has been in 0-3 month clothes for about a month now and Asher has almost outgrown his newborn clothes. He's too long for most of the pants and in the past couple of weeks had finally started chunking up because he apparently thinks he's starving and wants to eat every 90 min-2 hours unless he's sleeping. I have no idea what they weigh at this point, but we get to find out next week! Both boys are smiling sweet sweet smiles and love to coo and "talk". We are so in love with them!
So, what is it like parenting children who are adopted and parenting one with special needs? People are often afraid that they couldn't love an adopted child as much as a biological child. I have to say that if I could love a child any more than I love our boys, my heart would burst because it wouldn't be able to contain all of that love! It feels like they have been ours forever and that they were always meant to be ours. Our birth family feels like extended family and that they were always meant to be part of our lives. There is the occasional pang of guilt when we visit them and I'm the one that they call "mom", but I also know that Katy loves watching me be "mom" to our boys and I am honored to carry that title alongside of her. I don't look at our boys and think "they're adopted", I look at them and feel that they are genuinely ours in every way. Do they have our features? No, but it honestly doesn't make a difference, all I see is how cute and amazing they are.
It is the same with having a child with special needs. I never thought I would be a mom to a child with special needs. For a long time I wondered how parents with children with special needs felt and I felt like I couldn't do it. I loved working with children with special needs, but to parent one? I didn't think that I had it in me. Most people don't get a choice in the matter, but we did. It just goes to show how much God was preparing our hearts over the past 5 years. It struck me the other day when I was watching Asher, that he actually has Down syndrome. I know, that sounds crazy, but when I look at him, I don't see Down syndrome, I just see Asher. I know that he has Down syndrome and I've known that from the start, but I just seem him and think of Down syndrome as an additional part of him. I see a baby that is a different person from Lucas, who has a different personality, and develops on his own timeline. Yes he receives speech therapy already, and he is usually a few weeks to a month behind Lucas on developmental milestones, but that doesn't change how I see him or how I love him and it just makes it even more exciting when he starts doing the same things that Lucas has been doing for awhile.
Sometimes I see his Down syndrome more clearly in a still photo that doesn't do his cuteness justice or if I really examine his facial structure and almond shaped eyes, but Down syndrome doesn't define him, just like adoption won't define them. These things will always be a part of them, but they don't define them. When I look at them, I only see my sons. I see my two adorable babies that are truly miracles (it's actually a miracle they made it through the whole pregnancy) and gifts from God to not only us, but so many that are in our lives, including some that we have never met. Even as I write this, I don't feel like I can fully convey how much I feel like they are wholly and fully ours even though we have the unique situation of also having our birth family that loves them as much as we do. It is all so amazing. To put it simply, they are our children and we are so honored that God chose us to be their parents.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Our children are not our own
I've heard it said that you never really know how selfish you are until you get married. You have to share everything, including things that you want all for yourself! At one point I would have said that was true, but now I fully disagree. I would say that you never know how selfish you are until you share your child with another woman. I know that sounds harsh, which I don't intend it to be, so bear with me.
As an adoptive mom I will forever share our boys with their mommy Kate. She carried them, gave birth to them and then entrusted them to us! I am still in awe of that selfless act and I will forever be thankful for what she has done and her obedience to God. You would think that because of that it would be easy for me to share them, but I am a selfish person and there are occasionally times where I want them all for myself. This doesn't mean that I don't love her in a way that I can only love the woman that gave life to our children. This doesn't mean that I'm full of bitterness and resentment or that I don't enjoy talking to her, visiting her or giving her updates (I really do love open adoption). It just means that there are days when it feels like it would be "easier" to have them all to myself. But no one said that walking in the will of God would be easy, and if we were looking for easy, adoption was not the path to walk.
Recently I have felt called back to the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel. While going through infertility, I turned to the story of Hannah for hope and comfort. This time, I knew God was calling me there for another reason. As I read Hannah's story, I couldn't help but be amazed at her obedience to hand her son over to God and to allow him to be raised by someone else after waiting so many years to have him. I felt like it correlated so much with adoption. We have waited years for our boys. Our boys that have been shared with us and in return we also share them with their birth family. In every situation, our children are not our own. They are entrusted to us by God for a short time, yet we are selfish and only want to entrust them to God in certain situations where it's "easy" or at least "easier". We'll hand our children over to God when He calls us to raise them knowing Him, but if that means handing them over to someone else to raise them, or maybe take them to the mission field where it's not safe and they could get sick or hurt, we tend to shy away and say that's not God's calling on our lives, that's for someone else.
As I continually learn how to share parenthood, I am reminded that God first shared us with our earthly parents and it is an honor to be chosen to do the same.
As an adoptive mom I will forever share our boys with their mommy Kate. She carried them, gave birth to them and then entrusted them to us! I am still in awe of that selfless act and I will forever be thankful for what she has done and her obedience to God. You would think that because of that it would be easy for me to share them, but I am a selfish person and there are occasionally times where I want them all for myself. This doesn't mean that I don't love her in a way that I can only love the woman that gave life to our children. This doesn't mean that I'm full of bitterness and resentment or that I don't enjoy talking to her, visiting her or giving her updates (I really do love open adoption). It just means that there are days when it feels like it would be "easier" to have them all to myself. But no one said that walking in the will of God would be easy, and if we were looking for easy, adoption was not the path to walk.
Recently I have felt called back to the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel. While going through infertility, I turned to the story of Hannah for hope and comfort. This time, I knew God was calling me there for another reason. As I read Hannah's story, I couldn't help but be amazed at her obedience to hand her son over to God and to allow him to be raised by someone else after waiting so many years to have him. I felt like it correlated so much with adoption. We have waited years for our boys. Our boys that have been shared with us and in return we also share them with their birth family. In every situation, our children are not our own. They are entrusted to us by God for a short time, yet we are selfish and only want to entrust them to God in certain situations where it's "easy" or at least "easier". We'll hand our children over to God when He calls us to raise them knowing Him, but if that means handing them over to someone else to raise them, or maybe take them to the mission field where it's not safe and they could get sick or hurt, we tend to shy away and say that's not God's calling on our lives, that's for someone else.
As I continually learn how to share parenthood, I am reminded that God first shared us with our earthly parents and it is an honor to be chosen to do the same.
Monday, June 2, 2014
A day in the life with twins
In case you were wondering what it's like to have twins, I will take you through a typical day in our house Tues-Fri when I work. The day starts some time between 6-6:30 most mornings. This is usually when Lucas gets up to eat and going back to sleep isn't usually an option. Elias leaves the house around 6:30, so I take mornings. I let Asher sleep as long as possible and in that time I attempt to grab coffee, eat breakfast and somehow get my contacts in, hair in a pony tail (showering the morning is pretty much impossible) and get dressed. I also have to change Lucas, get him dressed for the day, clean and prep bottles if Elias didn't have time to clean them, make sure the diaper bag is fully stocked, if I didn't do that the night before, and then I get Asher up. He eats and then I change him and get him dressed for the day.
We are then out of the house by 8:15 so that they can be to the sitter's by 8:30 and I head to work. I work until 1, pick up the babies around 1:30 and decided if it's a good time to run any errands that need to be run before they want to eat. Otherwise, we come home and usually within 30 minutes, someone is crying to be held, fed or changed and once 3:00 hits, they both prefer not to be set down. Sometimes Lucas has a happy period in the afternoon where he is content to lay on a blanket and just look around, otherwise the fussy time starts and they are both a little angry that mommy doesn't have more than two hands to juggle and soothe babies. This also means that nothing gets done and my mom or mother-in-law usually end up doing our dishes or helping with laundry. I do my best not to call grandma (my mom) the moment she gets out of work at 3:30 to help and wait until Elias gets home between 5:30 and 6:00.
From 4:00 on, the babies are not allowed to sleep other than a short nap so that we can get them in bed by 8:00 or 8:30. Elias gets home, showers and then we take shifts eating supper around holding the babies. Some nights we are able to get bottles clean and prepped for overnight before putting the babies down, otherwise, when they finally are in bed and settled (which sometimes takes 3-4 or more attempts) we do bottles then. Our goal is to get ourselves in bed before 9 so that we can function fairly well the next day. Overnight we take turns getting up with the babies who sometimes sleep 3-4 hours or only go 2. Asher will sometimes sleep through the night, but Lucas is not there yet and Asher is now more apt to wake up when Lucas cries which means we get up at the same time.
We have learned that we DO NOT go out in the evenings with babies if we have to work the next day or if we want to sleep that night. We made that mistake a couple of weeks ago and I did it again last night when Elias was having some guy time and I took the babies to my parent's for supper.
Our life has gone from 0 to 60 overnight, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't mistake this post for complaining. I am NOT complaining, just sharing the craziness that our life is now. It's so much harder than I could have ever imagined, but so much more beautiful as well. I never knew how exhausted a person could be while still having to function. The first few weeks of work were so hard and I was running on fumes all the time, but things are getting easier and I'm feeling so much better than I did the first month. Elias on the other hand is still exhausted. He finished the semester and jumped into working construction full time, so prayer for strength and energy for him are appreciated.
The babies are developing well and growing so fast! Last week at 6 weeks old, Asher weighed 7.14 lbs and Lucas weighed 9.12 lbs. Both are healthy and their personalities come out a little more every day! They are so cute and so much fun even though they are indeed a lot a of work and exhausting. We feel so blessed to that God chose us to be their parents and that their Mommy Kate sought God's will and followed His calling on her. I remember when we were trying IVF and we would transfer two embryos and I would wonder, IF I got pregnant, would there by one or two? I always secretly hoped for twins, but I watched those dreams fade away. Never in my wildest dreams, would I have thought that God did in fact have twins for us in the future and that He would bring them to us via adoption. I feel so honored that He chose us to be their parents.
We are then out of the house by 8:15 so that they can be to the sitter's by 8:30 and I head to work. I work until 1, pick up the babies around 1:30 and decided if it's a good time to run any errands that need to be run before they want to eat. Otherwise, we come home and usually within 30 minutes, someone is crying to be held, fed or changed and once 3:00 hits, they both prefer not to be set down. Sometimes Lucas has a happy period in the afternoon where he is content to lay on a blanket and just look around, otherwise the fussy time starts and they are both a little angry that mommy doesn't have more than two hands to juggle and soothe babies. This also means that nothing gets done and my mom or mother-in-law usually end up doing our dishes or helping with laundry. I do my best not to call grandma (my mom) the moment she gets out of work at 3:30 to help and wait until Elias gets home between 5:30 and 6:00.
From 4:00 on, the babies are not allowed to sleep other than a short nap so that we can get them in bed by 8:00 or 8:30. Elias gets home, showers and then we take shifts eating supper around holding the babies. Some nights we are able to get bottles clean and prepped for overnight before putting the babies down, otherwise, when they finally are in bed and settled (which sometimes takes 3-4 or more attempts) we do bottles then. Our goal is to get ourselves in bed before 9 so that we can function fairly well the next day. Overnight we take turns getting up with the babies who sometimes sleep 3-4 hours or only go 2. Asher will sometimes sleep through the night, but Lucas is not there yet and Asher is now more apt to wake up when Lucas cries which means we get up at the same time.
We have learned that we DO NOT go out in the evenings with babies if we have to work the next day or if we want to sleep that night. We made that mistake a couple of weeks ago and I did it again last night when Elias was having some guy time and I took the babies to my parent's for supper.
Our life has gone from 0 to 60 overnight, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't mistake this post for complaining. I am NOT complaining, just sharing the craziness that our life is now. It's so much harder than I could have ever imagined, but so much more beautiful as well. I never knew how exhausted a person could be while still having to function. The first few weeks of work were so hard and I was running on fumes all the time, but things are getting easier and I'm feeling so much better than I did the first month. Elias on the other hand is still exhausted. He finished the semester and jumped into working construction full time, so prayer for strength and energy for him are appreciated.
The babies are developing well and growing so fast! Last week at 6 weeks old, Asher weighed 7.14 lbs and Lucas weighed 9.12 lbs. Both are healthy and their personalities come out a little more every day! They are so cute and so much fun even though they are indeed a lot a of work and exhausting. We feel so blessed to that God chose us to be their parents and that their Mommy Kate sought God's will and followed His calling on her. I remember when we were trying IVF and we would transfer two embryos and I would wonder, IF I got pregnant, would there by one or two? I always secretly hoped for twins, but I watched those dreams fade away. Never in my wildest dreams, would I have thought that God did in fact have twins for us in the future and that He would bring them to us via adoption. I feel so honored that He chose us to be their parents.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Redeeming Love
The past 5 1/2 years have been riddled with anger, grief and confusion surrounding our infertility. I let those feelings steal precious time from our marriage and drive a wedge between God and myself that we have had to work at removing. We have to work at removing it so that we can try to get back to the place we were before, but with me having a different and new understanding of who God is. People would tell me that once my child was in my arms, I would know that it was never supposed to be any different, but at the time I had a hard time seeing that and believing it. As the years passed I began to think, "by this point I could have had a biological child AND been on our way to adopting"! I watched couples that got married around the same time as us or even after us have baby 1, 2 and some even 3. I couldn't for the life of me understand why it wasn't our turn. Why God had deemed us "unworthy" or as least less worthy of being parents.
I still don't believe that God has caused our infertility or that He wants to see us struggle and suffer. I don't believe that that kind of suffering is His will, but that we have brought it upon ourselves as a fallen people. If we were not a fallen people there would be no infertility and there would be no need for adoption. All children would have parents that could take care of them and that were always conceived out of love into loving and healthy homes. All couples would be able to have as many children as they pleased, when they pleased. But we are a fallen people and that has resulted in pain and suffering for many children and families.
The great redeeming factor is that God USES pain and suffering to draw us closer to Him and astound us with His blessings! God began healing my heart about a year ago. I still struggled with grief and anger and bitterness, but those feelings were slowly going away and I began to understand that God was not causing this suffering. He was using this time to prepare us for something great, something so much bigger than ourselves and something bigger than we could have ever imagined. I remember watching a Rob Bell video where Rob's son wanted a toy from the mall, but little did he know that his parents were later taking him across the street to get a dodge ball. A dodge ball he had wanted so badly! He just couldn't see what his parents were up to, he couldn't see what good thing they had in store for him. He just saw the present and how badly he thought he wanted this other toy. If his parents had gotten him this other, smaller toy, he probably wouldn't have gotten the dodge ball. Rob correlated this with what God does in our lives and how many times God wants to yell to us all that He has in store, if only we could understand that He has something great for us across the street. And if we knew what was across the street, we wouldn't be asking for the smaller thing.
I look at my boys and I can now see what was across the street. I can see that if we had gotten pregnant, we would not have them. If we had gotten pregnant, Elias may have closed his heart to adoption, or we at least wouldn't have been still pursuing it at this time in our lives. If we had gotten pregnant, we wouldn't have opened our hearts to TWO babies and a baby with Down syndrome that has now become our world. I can finally understand what people say when they say once they are in your arms, you will know it was never meant to be any different. I don't grieve not being pregnant with them, that wasn't my role to play. I'm sure there will be times when the pain of infertility will resurface, I certainly will never forget it, but it will be different because I will have a new understanding of God and how He works through suffering. I will have a new understanding of His love for us. I'm sure I will have times where I am impatient frustrated that I can't see across the street (by the way, 5 years is a long time to wait to cross the street), but I will be reminded of the greatness that can come when it is finally time for us to cross. God truly is good.
I still don't believe that God has caused our infertility or that He wants to see us struggle and suffer. I don't believe that that kind of suffering is His will, but that we have brought it upon ourselves as a fallen people. If we were not a fallen people there would be no infertility and there would be no need for adoption. All children would have parents that could take care of them and that were always conceived out of love into loving and healthy homes. All couples would be able to have as many children as they pleased, when they pleased. But we are a fallen people and that has resulted in pain and suffering for many children and families.
The great redeeming factor is that God USES pain and suffering to draw us closer to Him and astound us with His blessings! God began healing my heart about a year ago. I still struggled with grief and anger and bitterness, but those feelings were slowly going away and I began to understand that God was not causing this suffering. He was using this time to prepare us for something great, something so much bigger than ourselves and something bigger than we could have ever imagined. I remember watching a Rob Bell video where Rob's son wanted a toy from the mall, but little did he know that his parents were later taking him across the street to get a dodge ball. A dodge ball he had wanted so badly! He just couldn't see what his parents were up to, he couldn't see what good thing they had in store for him. He just saw the present and how badly he thought he wanted this other toy. If his parents had gotten him this other, smaller toy, he probably wouldn't have gotten the dodge ball. Rob correlated this with what God does in our lives and how many times God wants to yell to us all that He has in store, if only we could understand that He has something great for us across the street. And if we knew what was across the street, we wouldn't be asking for the smaller thing.
I look at my boys and I can now see what was across the street. I can see that if we had gotten pregnant, we would not have them. If we had gotten pregnant, Elias may have closed his heart to adoption, or we at least wouldn't have been still pursuing it at this time in our lives. If we had gotten pregnant, we wouldn't have opened our hearts to TWO babies and a baby with Down syndrome that has now become our world. I can finally understand what people say when they say once they are in your arms, you will know it was never meant to be any different. I don't grieve not being pregnant with them, that wasn't my role to play. I'm sure there will be times when the pain of infertility will resurface, I certainly will never forget it, but it will be different because I will have a new understanding of God and how He works through suffering. I will have a new understanding of His love for us. I'm sure I will have times where I am impatient frustrated that I can't see across the street (by the way, 5 years is a long time to wait to cross the street), but I will be reminded of the greatness that can come when it is finally time for us to cross. God truly is good.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Mother's Day
Considering this is my first mother's day as a mom to human babies, I feel like I would be doing an injustice to all of my avid readers to not squeeze in time to post this year about how I'm doing, feeling, and if my feelings regarding mother's day have changed. So here it is: this year I have actually looking forward to Mother's Day. I was able to walk through the store and not feel angry, annoyed or saddened by all of the Mother's Day paraphernalia. I have felt no feelings of dread leading up to this weekend, I even have a gift planned to make with the boys to commemorate our first Mother's Day. We are actually planning on making our family debut at church, as long as we can get out of the house on time, and I feel like we could go out and I would feel worthy of being celebrated for the first time. We will celebrate this weekend and feel happy about this new chapter of our lives and the precious gifts that have been entrusted to us.
As I write these things though, I still feel sad for the old me and for all of the individuals who will be hurting tomorrow. I feel sad for every woman who will go to church or walk into a restaurant and face the awkward "do I give her a flower or not" thought process that goes through the flower bearer's mind when all they want is to feel worthy of receiving that flower. They may even play the role of a mother every day that makes them worthy of that flower. I feel sad for the child who never knew his or her mother, or who have been adopted by an amazing family, but will never know his/her birthmother and why they were placed for adoption. I feel sad for every person who has lost a mother or wife, who has no one to buy a gift for, or the mother who has lost her children and has no one to buy her a gift. And of course I feel sad for the birthmother's who have placed a child for adoption that haven't experienced healing while at the same time I think of the one's that have experienced healing and still feel that sting of loss while also celebrating the woman that they chose for their child.
Tomorrow as I celebrate, I will be thinking of the boys' Mommy Kate. How she is an amazing mother to her two children at home, how she will always be a mother to our two boys and how she's a mother to them in way that I can never be. I will think of her selfless act and her obedience to God to give our boys more. I will celebrate her as well as myself tomorrow and we will forever share the gift of motherhood. Today is actually Birthmother's Day. I love that they have their own day, but I don't want them to be forgotten or viewed as unworthy to be celebrated on Mother's Day since they are indeed all mother's.
This weekend, please celebrate the women in your lives whether they have children or not, because they are worthy of being celebrated.
As I write these things though, I still feel sad for the old me and for all of the individuals who will be hurting tomorrow. I feel sad for every woman who will go to church or walk into a restaurant and face the awkward "do I give her a flower or not" thought process that goes through the flower bearer's mind when all they want is to feel worthy of receiving that flower. They may even play the role of a mother every day that makes them worthy of that flower. I feel sad for the child who never knew his or her mother, or who have been adopted by an amazing family, but will never know his/her birthmother and why they were placed for adoption. I feel sad for every person who has lost a mother or wife, who has no one to buy a gift for, or the mother who has lost her children and has no one to buy her a gift. And of course I feel sad for the birthmother's who have placed a child for adoption that haven't experienced healing while at the same time I think of the one's that have experienced healing and still feel that sting of loss while also celebrating the woman that they chose for their child.
Tomorrow as I celebrate, I will be thinking of the boys' Mommy Kate. How she is an amazing mother to her two children at home, how she will always be a mother to our two boys and how she's a mother to them in way that I can never be. I will think of her selfless act and her obedience to God to give our boys more. I will celebrate her as well as myself tomorrow and we will forever share the gift of motherhood. Today is actually Birthmother's Day. I love that they have their own day, but I don't want them to be forgotten or viewed as unworthy to be celebrated on Mother's Day since they are indeed all mother's.
This weekend, please celebrate the women in your lives whether they have children or not, because they are worthy of being celebrated.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)