Becoming a Nurse Coach

I remember the first time I heard the title "holistic nurse" and a spark ignited within me. I thought, wow that might be the perfect field for me. I knew prior to going into the nursing profession that I wanted to integrate holism and integrative medicine into my nursing practice. I thought the only way I could do that was by becoming a nurse practitioner. Then I found a Bachelor's Degree program that focused on holistic nursing and that will equip me to become certified in that arena. This program has been teaching me how to be more holistic as a bedside nurse, but something was missing. 

Enter nursing coaching. 

Nurse coaching is a board certified health coach role with the knowledge and background of a nurse combined with integrative and holistic modalities. 

When I learned about this possibility, I knew this would be a great fit for me. I could begin practicing holistic and integrative medicine years before I could even finish my NP. That doesn't mean I won't still pursue that, but that DOES mean that I be able to begin seeing clients this year rather than in 6 years for example. 

I was watching a video today of a woman around my age who also lives with Cystic Fibrosis like Elias who was emotional about feeling as though her healthcare was out of her control and I thought to myself, "this is why I am so well equipped to be a nurse coach". I understand the patient and caregiver perspective and struggles while also understanding the role of the nurse and western medical field (including the good and the bad that comes with that). I know what home life with a chronic disease and medical management looks like. I understand how hard it is to be a caregiver and still have to figure out how to prioritize your own health. I also know what it's like to not do that well, and then have to make major lifestyle changes to prevent chronic illness from also affecting you. 

As a nurse coach, my clients will not face judgment from me. We will partner together to figure out what your unique needs are and where we need to focus our time, attention, and goals. Together we will take a holistic and integrative approach to create lasting lifestyle that supports holistic health. 

I am so looking forward to learning how to better support my clients and patients. 

Reclaiming my Health

 About two years ago, I was sitting in a lecture in nursing school about obesity. Throughout this lecture we  laid out all of the risk factors that come along with being obese. Now, I don't give BMI too much power over my life because I know that it is an outdated and inaccurate way to measure health, however we also discussed that waist circumference is a more accurate measurement of risk factors as carrying weight in one's abdomen increases their risks of diseases such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and type two diabetes. I sat in that lecture acutely aware of my own weight and went home and measured my waist. 

When my husband Elias was sick and frequently in and out of the hospital prior to and following his bilateral lung transplant, I put on quite a bit of weight. I was in survival mode. I ate what sounded good, I didn't have any extra energy to devote to exercise. I had two year told twins and a husband in end stage lung disease to take care of at home. I was not a priority in that season. Everyone told me to take care of myself as well, but that did not feel realistic. Once we were on the other side, I knew there would be time for me, I just needed to survive that season. 

Fast forward two years, and I was no longer in survival mode, but I had made no progress in reclaiming my own health. So I sat in this lecture and processed how I was married to a man with diabetes and I knew what that involves. I knew that high blood pressure and high cholesterol run in my family and I also knew that with my husband's health history, my family was relying on me to stay healthy, even if they didn't know it. 

It took time and supplements, but eventually I turned back to the eating plan I knew and trusted. I began preparing healthy meals for lunches that kept me out of the freezer and canned soup aisles. I incorporated gentle exercise as time and life allowed and slowly the pounds began to come off. 

Today I have found myself at the same weight for almost a year. It is not where my goal was set, I am still working on that, and I still have to work at making healthy choices every time I eat, but it also comes more natural now. My waist circumference is in a healthy zone, and I am the lightest I've been since our first year of marriage. I know I am healthier, I know I have reduced my modifiable risk factors. I am not perfect, I have not arrived, but I am a healthier version of myself and now I am beginning to also focus on my mental health. 

Changing my busyness mindset

 Lately I've realized, I need to work on my mental, emotional and spiritual health. I often view my life as busy and overwhelming, and this weekend, God was speaking to me. Yes, my life IS busy, more than I would really like if I'm honest, but I was reminded that at times, we need to adjust our mindset. I can view my life as overwhelming, or I can view it as rich and interesting, with various opportunities to learn new things. Yes, this leaves me tired as the end of each day, but it can also be fulfilling with the right mindset. 

Currently, I am working two jobs. I work part time as an RN, primarily working with COVID patients. I also work 2 days a week as a massage therapist from my home office. In addition, I homeschool my children and am working on my Bachelor's of Science in holistic nursing. When I list these things out, the weight can feel suffocating, but when I break them down I can view them objectively. 

The first thing I have had to do is remind myself that homeschooling my children does not contribute to my busy. Yes, homeschooling is a time commitment, but it is also an honor and privilege. It is an opportunity to teach my children, connect with them, watch them grow, and learn alongside of them. Raising them and time with them is my most important job. 

Working on my Bachelor's is also a time commitment and one of the things I could take off of my plate for awhile if I need to, but it has also kept me grounded during this crazy season of COVID nursing. It gives me hope and purpose and reminds me that there is a place for me in this field when I question if I belong here. Holistic nursing focuses on care and connection with patients, while also caring for myself as a nurse. It renews my excitement in this field and gives me to tools to make this work less stressful and overwhelming, especially as a new nurse. 

Working as an RN during the COVID pandemic has challenged me and stretched me. It has forced me to take patient loads that I did not think I was capable of. It has challenged me to take care of very sick patients, under additionally taxing circumstances than what "normal" nursing would look like. I often view this work as overwhelming, but it is also an incredible learning opportunity that will likely not come around again in the near future (we certainly all hope it doesn't!). I am trying harder to think of this work as rich, and interesting. Work that promotes growth. Shifting my mindset even before I go into my day, trying to maintain a positive outlook. 

Working as a massage therapist has been a love of mine for nearly 10 years now. It keeps me rooted and grounded, and fulfills that need for caring on an intimate and 1:1 level. It allows me to care for people in the way the I want to as a nurse, but don't typically don't have the time for. It is peaceful, allows me to tap into the spiritual guidance of God and my intuition, and connect energetically with my clients to better understand their needs beyond just the physical. It leaves me feeling well rounded in my professional life. 

Yes, my life is busy, but it is also rich, exciting, interesting and full of learning opportunities that I didn't expect to have. Now I am doing the mindset work to change my outlook from overwhelm to thankful and fulfilled. 

Choosing family over money

Oh it has been so long since I have blogged. I have missed this therapeutic outlet, but have not felt that I had the time or energy to devote to blogging the past several years.

I have recently experienced many life changes, I have graduated nursing school and have begun my career as an RN. I began working full time, overnights. Recently my schedule switched to the part time schedule I requested, and I will be switching from night shift to day shift soon, which comes with many perks, but less pay.

This is when the doubts have begun to creep in.

When I first began applying for nursing positions, I knew that I wanted part time to be an option. I knew that this was the only way I could effectively balance work as an RN, my business as a massage therapist and my roles of mom and wife to my family. My family however was my biggest motivation. I have felt as though I have had to put my family on the back burner for the past 3 years as I have focused on getting a degree that will provide better for our needs and grant us the security of health insurance and consistent, reliable income. School demanded 30-40 hours of my time each week before I added in time spent studying, completing projects and clinical paperwork, and most of these hours were during the few hours when the rest of my family was home, but I was not. I also continued to work as a massage therapist, trying to honor both time with my family, my own personal schedule along with the schedules of my clients. I had limited evening hours, no weekend availability, and a group of clientele who were only available during those hours that I wanted to make space for with our requiring those clients to wait a month or longer to get in. I always felt stretched too thin and as though I was not able to give enough of myself to any of my responsibilities, especially my precious family, and I knew that once I graduated,  I did not want to, and could not continue to live that way. We all deserved more. So I requested to work part time and I felt so much peace with that decision. It felt right. I felt deep in my soul the peace that comes with choosing to live off of less money to have more time with my family. 

Now that my part time schedule has begun, I feel more relaxed, more at peace, like I can really balance work and family life better than I have for the past 3-4 years, at the same time the fear and the doubt of what if it's not enough has crept in.  We have put off so many projects, goals and dreams due to money. What if this choice means that I am setting us up to continue to struggle financially? At the same time, if I really stop and think, I KNOW that with responsible spending, we will have enough money to live off of. It may not be a lot to other people, but it will be enough for us, right now, and each year we will reevaluate what our needs are, and readjust as needed. For now, I will try to keep the fears and doubts at bay and relish in the time that I get to spend with my children and husband.

To Breathe Easy is to Live Free

"To breathe easy is to live free". I saw that quote before Elias' transplant as he lived in a state where CF had robbed him and our family of so much. Now post transplant this is what that quote means to me.

It means breathing room air without being tethered to an oxygen concentrator or Bipap machine.

It means enjoying taking a shower because the humid air doesn't make it impossible to breathe.

It means deciding as a family to go somewhere and just leaving.

Not having to ask parents to come along to help with Elias and the kids and if no one is free, not being able to go.

Not having to calculate how many oxygen tanks we will need for the number of hours we are gone.

Not having to leave him at home because today just isn't a good day.

Not having to bring a wheelchair along.

It means making plans and not planning on having them ruined by yet another exacerbation and hospital stay.

It means not living in a hospital recliner and showering in a public hospital shower for months just to make sure his anxiety stays controlled and I don't miss the Dr's rounding.

It means walking by my husband as he lay napping on the couch and not pausing just to make sure he's still breathing.

It means not reaching my hand out to touch him at night for the same reason.

It means sleeping in the same bed again rather than him sleeping in a recliner in the living room.

It means family vacations.

It means running in the yard, play with our kids and teaching our son to ride a bike.

It means walking the dog.

It means walking down the stairs to basement to do laundry and back up again.

It means going from less than 20% lung function to that of an average person.

It means no oxygen concentrator, no continuous IV's, no feeding tube because it just takes to much effort to breath and eat at the same time, and no chest tube hanging out of his chest to prevent another pneumothorax before transplant.

It means no regular visits from home health and infusion nurses.

It means not fighting every. single. day. to figure out how to get him on the transplant list and hoping that lungs will come in time.

It means scars that symbolize life and a future as well as emotional and physical trauma.

It means conversations about going back to work some day.

It means more holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and years together.

It means living life like a fairly normal family again.

It means so much more, but ultimately it means more time, more experiences, and more memories.

Dreams and goals

I'm currently reading "Girl, Wash Your Face", by Rachel Hollis. I'll admit, I resisted reading this book for a long time. It was so hyped up and I often find that when something is really hyped up and I finally indulge, I am left disappointed. Maybe I expect something more after all of the hype, maybe I expect to be deeply and profoundly changed and then I'm not. So I didn't read the book or listen to the book.

But then I had a break from school and while I didn't read the book I had bought the book and it was sitting on my Kindle, waiting to be opened. So, I opened it and began reading and it did actually begin to resonate with me. Then I reached a chapter that challenged me. Do you ever read those books of encouragement and hit a spot where every page or every paragraph even forces you to stop reading and process what you read and how it pertains to your life? Maybe you don't, but I do. It's like I can't go on reading until I stop and reflect and pray, but then I also have to keep reading.

This chapter was about dreams and spoke to me and forced me to stop and really reflect on my dreams and goals and what those looked like for me. Before my husband's double lung transplant, I had the goal of starting an amazing birth centered business. A friend of mine and I even talked about starting it and we looked for spaces to rent. But the timing never felt right for either of us so it was pushed to the side. Since then, whenever I read books or blog posts similar to what I'm reading now, I always correlate it to my business as a massage therapist and doula and the business that I have envisioned for so long. But life changed after his transplant and new dreams and goals began to unfold. Yet, I had trouble applying many of these things I read to this new goal of becoming an RN and hopefully, eventually a nurse practitioner, and I had to reflect on why I could only read these books and posts of encouragement and success through this lens of the business that may or may not even be in my future at this point. In doing so I realized that my mentality needed to shift.

This book that I am reading does not only apply to entrepreneurs. Yes, the author herself is a very successful entrepreneur and many of my friends who have been inspired by this book are also entrepreneurs, but she is not only speaking to this population. She is writing to anyone and everyone who has any sort of dream. I realized that I keep watching my friends on social media who are amazing, strong and successful female entrepreneurs who are rocking the businesses that they built and that is who I dreamed of being and I have had a really hard time letting that go. Some parts of that are envy, some are grief. To stop and chase a new dream has, in so many ways felt like I am giving up something that could have been great before it became great. But I also have a family to support and it takes an unpredictable amount of time to grow a business that can solely support a family of four. So, when I really stopped and thought about what my current dream was, it was exactly that. My dream is to be able to support my family so that we can collectively meet our goals that we always talk about, but can't do right now and my new dream of being an RN will allow me to do that.

Nursing school is hard, that alone should be goal enough and I don't give myself enough credit for walking this path. The end goal however, is to become an employee and even before massage school, my goal was self employment. This has been a huge shift in mentality for me. That is years of seeing my life play out one way for one event (decline and transplant) to change my whole trajectory and it has been a process that I am continuing to work through.

I read another book this past and in it, the author talked about how we often have life events where we have life before that event and then there is life after the event. That event is declined transplant for us. I am not the only one who's goals and dreams have shifted, and I am really starting to feel that shift in my heart and soul in a good way, Elias has experience that shift as well. We have both grieved, we have both dreamed and we are both on new path than what we were on before.

Star Wars and Butterflies

Next week my sweet baby boys will go to school for the first time. They are 4 and will attend our public school district's half day pre-k program. My one son, Lucas, is so very ready. He is incredibly social and is looking forward to making friends.

He is what one often thinks of when they think of boys. He loves to climb and jump off of things (even though he is afraid of heights). He loves trucks and construction equipment and Star Wars. We have however tried to not feed into too many gender stereotypes while raising our kids. We haven't been perfect and our home is mostly filled with toys that would traditionally be thought of for boys but we also have things like a toy kitchen, a teapot set, dolls and a Peppa pig dollhouse that our other son absolutely adores.

I can't say that it's because of this, but we are cautious not to tell our boys that certain toys and certain colors are for girls, so when asked what his favorite color is, Lucas might tell you "all the colors of the rainbow". He has pink and purple leopard print slippers that he picked out once and that he loves because they are "beautiful". He also has a couple of shirts with glitter or sequins that he found on a clearance rack after the 4th of July and that he loved because they were shiny. So it didn't surprise me when I stumbled across some backpacks online and he told me that he wanted the one with the butterfly. It was pink and purple and clearly made with girls in mind. It was also far too small to take to school and he already has a small backpack, but had I been in the market for buying one, I would have absolutely purchased him that backpack because pink is just a color and butterflies are beautiful.

My fear as Lucas heads off to pre-k is that he will express his love for all the colors and things that are beautiful and that it won't be long before another child will tell him that those things are for girls because that is what that child has been taught. Lucas is a child who has a strong will and personality but is also sweet, sensitive and easily influenced by others. I so desperately want to keep my children innocent for as long as possible. To spare them the judgment of others and the boxes that we are all too often placed into. Kids are so authentically themselves at 4 and I so want to preserve that in them so that they will grow into authentic adults, but we all know that kids are shaped by their peers, for better and for worse, and that we all raise our children differently, much in part based on how we ourselves were raised.

I know I can't shelter him from the boxes that society has built and that tell him what things are for boys and what things are for girls, but I do hope that I can continually remind him that it's okay to be who he is. That is it's okay to like all of the colors, it's okay to have emotions and express them. It's okay to cry and that he doesn't have to be "tough" because he's a boy. That it is okay to be authentically himself, a lesson I'm still trying to learn as an adult.